Sugar and Spice

Something to think about

2012-01-31T18:06:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to share this article on healthy caregiving. Women especially are born as nurturers. We want to give. I am currently focused on finding the healthy way to do this.

The kiddos

2012-01-30T23:23:00.000-08:00

I didn't do Christmas cards this year (except for a small number of family members). No cute family photo or update about the family either.

Honestly, I barely made it through Christmas. My sweet girls and Chandler made Christmas happen at our house. (Luckily I do all of my shopping months before.) And I can't forget Trent who cleaned the house and babysat for my holiday parties.

They love me and they gave me Christmas as my gift.

My Aunt Janice gave me the most wonderful grey pajamas (with fun ruffled edging on the top). It was the perfect gift. A new set of Christmas pjs is one of those traditions that make childhood feel safe and warm. My gift gave me the feeling of being nurtured and cared for and I really needed that this year.

I can sum up my stress: mental illness--the teenage years--a nightmare. Also: learning what true Christlike love is as opposed to unhealthy caretaking.

I am very tired of the illness and the struggle. But I love my sons and continue to try to provide them with the very best life they can have.

I honestly don't think someone can understand mental illness until they live with it day in and day out. My husband grew up with family members who had it and we still did not understand it. We had a lot of ideas about how things should be. We have to deal with so many difficult situations made worse by people who just don't understand.

We are trying to hold onto as much calm as we can. We are trying so very hard not to let mental illness dominate our family.

I do believe that it is important to make things as smooth as possible for the other children. I want them to feel like their needs are important also. It is a delicate balancing act. Sibling rivalry is that much more difficult because the rules are different and can seem very unfair.

Our strength as a family comes from God. As we keep the focus on love we are happy. It really can be that simple.

I also know that honestly dealing with my emotions is going to be the key to losing weight and having control over our debt. I have to do this work to find success. And it is work! My friend Genise's mother was telling me she was so proud of Genise's efforts with her cute family. Genise gave me the best response. She said "What choice do I have?" I laughed. We either keep doing the work when it is very difficult or we give up and lose everything we have worked for up to that point. That makes the choice simpler at least :)

But there are many great things happening also! I try to appreciate all the good and really praise each child when they do a good job.

So here's my update. I had a sweet friend tell me that she really missed my updates. I told her I blogged so I quit sending them out. All the really good stuff is here anyway ;)

Clayton is almost 18 and focused on graduating high school. He loves his friends and playing sports with friends. He is looking forward to serving an LDS mission when he is 19.

Chandler is 16 and such a big help to me. He gives up a lot of time to help keep the family running smoothly. I've said it before and I'll say it again...he will make some woman very lucky someday. He is a giver. He is super smart and kinda takes offense when I call him a geek. Then I remind him that I married a geek and am very happy with my choice. Besides I read that geek is the new chic ;)

Cole is 13 and always busy. He never sits around and complains of being bored. Sometimes I wish he would. But when we have to deal with crazy happenings, I look into his eyes and know that my son is good and it is often not his fault. We have to balance teaching him with knowing when to make allowances. I rely on my mother's instinct when everyone has an idea of what he needs. I am his mother for a reason. He has improved in lots of areas and we have to focus on that when things are difficult. But we never want to give him the idea that he is not capable. We want him to push himself to see how far he can progress. A very delicate balancing act indeed.

Sabrina is 11 and as darling as ever. She has been growing so much in her abilities. She has improved in organization and takes responsibility for her grades. She had an ipod touch. I would find her up late at night playing on it. She also had it taken away at school and cried as she confessed that she had taken it even though she knew it was against the rules. She told me that she felt she shouldn't have one because she had a hard time following the rules with it. I later told her that I had traded it to her cousin to help her half brother (who babysits the other siblings) to be able to text his mother when she is at work. I loved her response. She said "I trust you mom."

Savannah is also 11 and such a help to me. She is so much like her father. They are left brained and so gifted in organization. The things that bug her also bug him ;) They have to be patient with the chaos that sometimes happens when so many members of the family have special needs. But they also come up with the best systems to bring things back into order. When my clutter gets too bad, I try to bribe one of them to help me!

Preston is 10 going on 16. He likes to follow Cole around and learns all his best "tips" from his big brother. That keeps us busy! He is also quite the ladies man and always has a girlfriend. He gave my cell phone number out. I have had a few calls from little girls asking for Preston. I heard him singing 'I kissed a girl and I liked it' today. Seriously. I asked him about it and reminded him that I think he is too young to have a girlfriend. Then I reminded him that he should not be kissing girls. He told me it was okay because he only kissed her on the cheek. (These are the things that make me wish I was homeschooling material!)

Tristan is 6 and sooo sweet. He is calm and obedient. He loves big hugs and playing with his baby brother. He is just fun to raise. He loves kindergarten and his teacher. She is like a wonderful grandma. She truly loves children and it shows. He also was able to lead the Halloween parade for his class all through the school. He was Scooby Doo.

Gabriel is 2 and 1/2. He is growing up so fast. He is getting more playful by the day and is very talkative. He loves little figurine toys and all girls are mamas and all boys are dadas. He is very bonded to us and cries loudly when he gets dropped off for nursery at church. We gave him an entire year of sitting with him or taking him out and have decided to be tough. Last Sunday he finally calmed down as long as the nursery teacher held him. Savannah used to be just like that and had to have "her" teacher there or she was not going!

We are busy, but trying to enjoy these years. However, I will not be one of those mothers who is sad because her children grew up. Too much to look forward to: grandkids, time for hobbies, and time with my husband that is not consumed with busyness. Trent remarks that we will probably die before we get to enjoy life without raising children. That's when I remind him why our low carb diet is such a great idea.

A little bit cracked...

2012-01-21T00:03:00.000-08:00

Pressure-It can turn a lump of coal into a flawless diamond, or an average person into a perfect basketcase.

I saw this quote on facebook a while ago. I laughed. And then I worried.

Because I have been under a lot of pressure lately. And just when I think one thing is resolved, something else takes its place. I have felt fragile. It's not a welcome feeling for someone who prides themselves on their strength.

I find relief in these scriptures:

Psa.51:17 "The sacrifices of God are a BROKEN SPIRIT: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise."

In Isaiah 57:15 "I dwell in the high and holy place, with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones."

I also find relief in the lyrics of a Leonard Cohen song. (Anthem)

The pressure has caused a few cracks. But those cracks will let the light in.

I will keep moving forward, and try to find joy in the journey.

Also, my new low carb lifestyle is totally working for me. It is exciting to start to see a life where I don't feel controlled by food!

Clean laundry is great!

2012-01-10T22:52:00.000-08:00

Recipe for lots of dirty laundry: 8 children, 6 of them boys, potty training toddler, add a dash of ADHD and a zest for exploration.

So I was super excited when I found these:

Option 1: Homemade Powdered Laundry Soap

Option 2: Easier option (more expensive)

My notes on option 1: I bought the huge bag of baking soda at Costco. (used to be $4 and change, now $6 and change, thank you lousy economy) You can make washing soda by putting baking soda in a 400 degree oven for about 2 hours. I used half of the bag of baking soda. I then put one half of that in a pyrex pan to make washing soda.

I found the borax and fels-naptha (I only used two bars at 97 cents each) at Wal-mart. I buy oxyclean at dollar tree and their brand works great. (I have got pen ink out of clothes by soaking them in a bucket of hot water and oxyclean for a day or two.) I used the scoop out of the oxyclean for the finished soap. Edited to add: I only need to use 1/2 a scoop per load.

So it cost me even less than the the cost listed. The total came out to $12. I spent $17 and change for the Gain. The homemade version made more than the box of Gain so it wins in the cost department. I also like that it is powdered. I don't think I would bother with the liquid goopy homemade kind.

Happy laundry day.

A work in progress...

2012-01-03T23:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas is all packed away and we are ready for the new year. I am all about making this a great year. My goals:
1. Make myself a priority.
2. Continue to work on organization and time management.
3. Refuse to let negative and/or judgemental people affect me.
4. Be the best mom I can be!
5. Be the best wife I can be!

Trent and I have started the low carb diet. It's going great. I'm down 10 pounds and I'm not retaining water. I had success before when doing the diet, but my cheat meal really messed me up. A cheat meal turned into a cheat day, and then a cheat weekend. This time around we are eliminating the cheat meal. I love how I feel when I stick to this diet. I don't have aches and pains. I don't have cravings. I feel satisfied on much less food. So I am hoping that if I am very strict and only eat carbs in the form of veggies and a few of the lower carb fruits, I will be able to find some lasting success.

My sister Brandi told me that she was invited to dinner at my uncle and aunt's house (my mother's brother and his wife). She said that my aunt told her that mother had shared her view of my parenting. My aunt asked my sister how she could even associate with me when I'm that type of person. My sister told me she thinks it's a very good idea that I am not going to have any contact with my mother. She also told my aunt that she loves me and we have a very close relationship.

So that brings me to therapy. I am going to occasionally share the ideas and thoughts that help me the most. There were two thoughts that I really liked:

Under-accountable people seek relationships with overly-accountable people. They need someone to take on all of that stuff that they work so hard to avoid.

I loved this: He said that in court they use an expert witness. He told me that my mother is not qualified to be my expert witness.

Therapy so far has been...validating. My therapist is kind and gentle. He told me I have made many wise decisions. He agrees that it is good to eliminate people from my life who don't have good intentions towards me. I told him I am willing to look at all of my issues and work on them. He told me he could see that. So far so good.

Christmas Morning 2011

2011-12-29T23:44:00.000-08:00

The photo quality is not great, but I sure do love these kids!

Savannah and Sabrina

2011-12-29T23:06:00.000-08:00

Savannah and I made a quick trip to Thanksgiving Point. We scored on some clearance merchandise at the Emporium that was damaged. I repaired everything and gave some as gifts. It was well received :)

Enjoying cider with the reindeer!

School Choir Performance at the Mall (Sabrina was the little star of the show. I was told so by several people!)

Christmas Decorating 2011

2011-12-29T22:32:00.000-08:00

This post is a tribute to my daughters. They decorated all 5 trees this year. (I did some slight fixing when they were done, but they did such a great job on their own.) They helped with each party. They delight in the house looking nice. So glad I have two daughters in the middle of all of my fun boys.

And this is why we do it all! (a candid shot of Gabe enjoying the tree)

and life goes on...

2011-12-24T14:57:00.000-08:00

So, I have big news. I finally started seeing a therapist. The difficult things in my life have started to pile up and I feel like I am staggering under the weight of it all. I gained 15 pounds(!) in the last three months. I am at my heaviest weight (as seen in the Thanksgiving photo). I don't feel good. I have cried openly at church more than once. I have spent too much time and money at TJ Maxx buying beautiful things. It's time to take control back.

I really want to get out of debt and lose weight. Trent has committed to going low carb with me for the new year. I need to make some long term changes. I will need all the help I can get. So I am calling "uncle" and saying "enough". I am going to simplify my life. I will have relationships with people who are positive. I will pray and rely on my Heavenly Father. I will hold my children accountable for their bad behavior and celebrate their good actions.

I know these are big goals. But I have faith and hope that things can improve and that, with lots of help, I can become a better person.

One day at a time!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas! Love, Aubrey

Jewelry!

2011-12-13T20:12:00.000-08:00

My sister Brandi taught me how to make jewelry. It is pretty simple, but can get expensive. I have found a few tricks to make it affordable, such as buying jewelry from Kohls, and tearing it apart for the crystals.

I needed a birthday present for a girl in Preston's class. I love having stuff on hand to make a gift. Beading is also one of my less messy crafts and is quicker to put away.

Preston's friend told me her favorite color was turquoise. Preston told me she squealed when she opened them :)

Mom and Dad get away

2011-12-13T19:56:00.000-08:00

Here are some photos from our fall bed and breakfast stay. We didn't have any gift certificates, so we chose some of the "budget" rooms. They were smaller, but very lovely. We have been made fun of because we love Anniversary Inn so much. We don't care at all :)

Trent loves it when I take these photos of him, lol.

Love the beautiful Logan Temple.

I am grateful for...

2011-12-13T19:36:00.000-08:00

Genise! My bestest friend. (You know Brandi is my sister/best friend...Genise is the sister/best friend I chose for myself.)

I am completely and totally comfortable around Genise. She was with me when I gave birth to Preston. As Brandi put it "She doesn't have a mean bone in her." She is a gift that I always acknowledge and am grateful for.

When did I meet her? I was hugely pregnant with my twin girls when she moved in right next door. I could barely walk. When I had my beautiful twins, she would show up with her mother, sisters, and daughters and ask to hold babies. They were some of the kindest people I had ever met. They just love and support each other constantly. I fell in love with the entire family. I adopted myself in and they welcomed me with open arms. Genise lost money when they sold the house, but her mother said, "But it was all worth it, because you got Aubrey out of it." See why I love them so much?

This was our first Thanksgiving with them. I think we found our new tradition. Everyone had a great time.
My friend Julie gave me a plate that says "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves."

Sweet Savannah set the table for me. I love the blue goblets that my wonderful Aunt Janice gave to me one Christmas. (she spoils everyone)

Genise called me once when we were going out to dinner. She said, "Would you feel more comfortable if I didn't wear heels?" I laughed and replied "You are tall and thin. I am short and fat. You not wearing heels won't change that."

Gratitude

2011-11-22T00:13:00.000-08:00

It is the simplest of advice: focus on the positive. Simple truths are often the most profound. I am working on this every single day. I know I can do it. I have been processing the sad, hurt feelings and trying to leave them far behind. Brandi has been my kind (and patient) listening ear. I love hearing the wisdom that she has earned the hard way. She said "You need to really focus on every person who shows up for you."

I also am trying to really show up for my children. How can I teach them to be happy when I can't be? They will learn how to overcome challenges from me. They will learn to see the good, beautiful things around them from me.

I feel like I need to add some information about Clayton and Cole to be clear. I am proud of how hard they are working. I am proud of how they handle this huge challenge that they have. Last year was great for them both. They did well in school. Their behavior was good.

Clayton had to take a college prep math class in order to graduate. He is a senior. He did not understand the concepts, even with lots of tutoring from dad and his teacher. He felt panicked. The stress caused sleep disturbances.

After a few weeks of not sleeping, his brain started shutting down. He couldn't control his body (he was having tremors) or emotions. He told me he couldn't remember how to take a bath. My sister could see that I was exhausted and called my mother and asked her to take Clayton for the weekend several weeks ago. My mother has told me many times not to send medicine with the children because she wouldn't give it to them.

I did send medicine, but Clayton can't even remember if he took it. He was not in his right mind. My mother and her husband spent the weekend talking to Clayton and trying to help him work through his feelings. He wasn't making sense at all, but they continued to try to reason with him.

On Sunday night, they refused to bring him home. My mother was very hostile. I had to send Trent over to get him. My mother and her husband wanted to talk about how to help Clayton. They wanted us to listen to his feelings. My mother's husband asked Clayton if he felt safe at home. Clayton said yes. He was not afraid to come home.

I told my mother that we don't agree with their beliefs. (I also don't try to reason with a child in a manic phase. It is not the right time to talk about feelings. I wait until they are calm and rational.) I told her that we would be getting Clayton in to a doctor right away. She said that medicine was not the answer. She sells essential oils and supplements and felt that those would help him more than medicine. She also told me he was starved for hugs.

Trent told them that we already knew what Clayton's problems were and that we would help him our way. They stood in front of the door and were not going to let him leave with Clayton. Trent finally told them that they couldn't keep him or Clayton. They let him go.

We had already scheduled a doctor's appointment before the weekend. The school had contacted us the week before and we had an appointment scheduled to figure out how to help Clayton. We went in on Monday and pulled him from his math class. We signed him up at an alternative class (more money and driving for us, but manageable for Clayton). We talked to Clayton's counselor and vice-principle so that they would know how we were trying to help Clayton.

While we were trying to do everything we could to help our son, my mother was causing trouble for us. She said she was only trying to help him too. We told her that we are his parents and we get to decide how to help him unless her and her husband wanted to take full, legal responsibility for him. They declined. Clayton told me he wanted to stay in school and graduate with his class. I told him that we could take him out of regular school and help him get his degree another way. He said, "No, I don't want to leave school." He wanted to miss as little school as possible.

I prayed and asked for help. I felt that Clayton needed Lorazepam. We had tried Ambien and Uni-som and Clayton still couldn't sleep. The Lorazepam worked like magic and he slept for three days straight. It is addictive and only to be used short term. I don't take medicine lightly. But I have seen first hand how it works when my children's brains are not functioning properly. Clayton needed it for a few more days and it continued to help calm him down. He is off of it now.

He is getting A's in school. He is working as a custodian at the Jr. High. His boss says he is a good worker. He has great friends and enjoys people. One of Clayton's biggest strengths is his confidence. He is not ashamed. I am proud of him and all that he is accomplishing.

Here's the really fun part: I think the stress of Clayton's manic episode and also the family meeting about grandma sent Cole into a manic episode. One of the hardest things about adolescent bipolar is how hard it is to keep the medicine at the correct level. You can have everything stable and they can go through a growth spurt or stressful situation and it throws everything off balance.

Cole was an aid to the gym teacher. One of his jobs was to clear out lockers. He found an iphone and decided to keep it. The gym teacher called our home that night (I was out food shopping...this is why I try not to leave the house very often) and left a message. Cole heard the message and panicked. He threw the phone away after burying the case in the yard. He called me on my cell phone and told me that the coach wanted to talk to me but he didn't know why.

I talked to him when I came home and he told me that he saw a kid in a black hoodie take a phone. The next day I received a call from the school and they told me that Cole has confessed to taking the phone. They were obligated to call the police. So Trent and I went down to the school together. We were able to return the phone intact.

We are grateful that the police officer was kind and took Cole's medical history into account. Cole was crying and it was obvious that he felt bad. He was suspended for two days. The officer told us that he had two options. The first was juvenile court. There would be a fine (I believe he said up to $1,000) and it would be on his record. The second was youth court. It is court that honors high school students hold at the police station. They determine an amount of community service. The fee was $30 (we made Cole pay for it). Cole needs to do 10 hours of service. He is working at the Jr. High with Clayton. Cole also was removed from his aid position.

The theft was the beginning of strange behavior and extreme emotional outbursts. Cole was not in his right mind. It took a lot of effort from the entire family because of Cole's extreme energy, but we were able to watch him and keep him safe. (It was really sweet to see the other children be kind and gentle with both of their brothers when they needed help.) The Lorazepam worked exactly the same as it did for Clayton and brought him back down to where he should be. He is off of it now and doing great also.

Why do I take the time to write this all down? My sweet friend said to me "The medicine saves lives." Her brother killed himself. She told me that my situation is similar to what she saw with her brothers. Except at Cole's age, her brother was stealing cars and on drugs.

So...Mr. Tom Cruise, I know that people like my mother and you really believe you have this figured out. But respectfully, you are wrong. It would be cruel to deny a child with diabetes their medicine. It is just as cruel to say that no child should take medicine for mental health or ADHD. I am so grateful that we have medicine that helps my children to function normally. I am grateful for their strength and goodness, that shines through when they are medicated properly.

The good that I can do

2011-11-16T21:02:00.000-08:00

My husband told me my last post sounded a bit like a rant. I had him read some posts where women shared their honest feelings about the frustrating things in their lives. He finally said "It seems like there are a lot of women who are sick of the amount of pressure they are under."

The truth is that we all feel this way sometimes. Some of us blog about it, some of us don't. But whether we read blogs to stay connected (my social life is pretty much online right now because I need to be at home with my children), or do lunch or girl's night out, it really helps to have women there to support you and build you up.

I am feeling much better. Thank you for all the prayers and kindness. I wasn't planning on blogging about the situation with my mother, but I had a really hard week dealing with all the feelings this situation brought up. I have spent the last few years trying to help heal family situations on both sides of the family. I have even argued with Trent about it several times in the past. He said I should let go of the difficult family relationships. I said that if I tried hard enough, I could have an impact and maybe change some things.

Well, after a few years of effort, I was rejected by more than one person. One family member flat out told me that she was sorry that the relationship meant more to me than it ever did to her. So, I have been feeling disillusioned and sad.

What should a girl do when forced to face an ugly reality? This girl is going to focus on creating a beautiful life. I need to stop wasting energy trying to fix situations that I can't control. I need to put my energy into creating a happy (and beautiful) home. I need to help people who want my help.

My good friend Sheri's sister Jailyn just had baby Garak. She sent me a link to the blog she created telling his story. Baby Garak is brand new to this world and has already had to face intense suffering. There is a link for donating. Even a little bit of money adds up when a lot of people donate. (Warning: this blog might cause tears.)

So, right after I donate to this sweet family, I am going to start creating things for all the special people in my life for Christmas. I also get to watch my friend's twin toddler girls tomorrow (and make dessert for their cute family :) There are so many small ways to make the world a brighter place. And it feels a lot better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself!

Thoughts on Motherhood (for this week)

2011-11-11T21:52:00.000-08:00

So...I stay pretty busy as a mom of 8. There are wonderful things that happen everyday (and not so wonderful things). I am working on staying positive. As I have had some difficult things to deal with and then faced lots of criticism from family members, I have found myself feeling a little bitter.

It is hard enough to have parents who were not ready to be parents. I had a hard childhood. I had to take care of myself and the other four siblings much of the time. I was not equipped for the job. My brother Preston told me about something I did when I was babysitting. He said he was thirsty. I spat in a cup and handed it to him. I, of course, had completely blocked this memory. I apologized to him a few years ago when he told me. I do remember teaching him to swim. I was 12 and he was 4 or 5. My sister Brandi and I would throw him into the pool. And wait for him to surface and make it to the side. We would help him after a certain amount of time watching him struggle.

My mother was with us at the pool. She was tanning. A woman said to her, "Well, they are either going to teach him to swim or kill him trying." She didn't intervene.

It is just really hard to face her opinions of my mothering after the childhood we survived. I did find out that she and/or her husband were the ones who called the state and reported us for child maltreatment last year. This came out when she called Clayton's school to discuss our parenting during his recent bipolar manic episode. They told her she wasn't the legal guardian and they couldn't talk to her. She then called and talked to the principle and made abuse and neglect claims.

It has all been resolved, and the state will not be getting involved. They do not agree with her assessment of our parenting. Clayton's doctor has told us we should have no contact with her. We explained to the children what had happened and that we would not be allowing Grandma Connie into our lives right now. They were very upset at the attacks on their mother. They agreed with our decision.

Her words to me "I can't sit by while an innocent child is hurting and not do anything." I told her that if she and her husband would take full, legal custody of Clayton for the six months he has left until he is 18, they could have him come live at their home and try to help him in the way they saw fit. (She told me shoving a pill in his mouth was not the way to deal with him. She is holistic and doesn't take medicine.) She said they could not have him live with them. It is very easy to be the perfect parent...when you don't actually have to take care of children.

I just wish she could realize that I'm her child and I'm hurting. Guess what it feels like to know that your own mother is trying to have your children taken away? Again, especially after she has emotionally abandoned her own 5 children (all 5 children have huge issues with her).

I have also felt the judgement of several family members who think we have too many children and are not raising them correctly.

So...I usually have a good attitude. I try to make the best of life and stay happy. But it has been really hard not to feel a little resentful. And sorry for myself. And yes, bitter.

But...I have the best remedy. I have 8 children who need me everyday. I don't have time to feel sorry for myself too long, because somebody always needs something.

They are great kids. Yes, Clayton is very aggressive and annoying the heck out of everyone at home. Yes, when he is causing one problem after another around here, I tell him his stuff will be on the lawn on his 18th birthday. I have lost my temper and even said unkind things. Those are my coping mechanisms. When Clayton's doctor saw him during this last episode, he told me that he was out of his league and that we needed to take Clayton to a psychiatrist. I am hoping and praying that this extreme aggressiveness can be calmed by finding the right medicine.

If it can't, we will help him to find an apartment and job and he will move out after he graduates. We have to consider the needs of the 7 other children. My mother and her husband feel that is abuse. We don't.

I still keep going back to the words of my sister Brandi "All that you need to worry about is what goes on between the walls of your own home. That is what really matters." I am not a perfect parent. I tell my kids I am sorry when I've made a mistake. They all communicate with me about what is going on in their lives. I remember having a sick feeling in my stomach when it was time to go home. My sister said the same thing to me a while ago. We both had that memory...independent of each other. I have asked my children if they have ever felt that. They all told me no.

I am going to work on listening to their voices...and blocking out the rest.

My Princess Bedroom

2011-10-29T23:33:00.000-07:00

We took pictures while we had a clean house. I have to find the cord to the other camera to put the basement pictures up. Trent took them so I don't know how good they turned out ;)

I dreamed of a bed like this when I was young. I always wanted a huge four poster bed that engulfed me. When my sister got married her husband had such a bed. They had to move and she did not want this giant bed in her new, smaller bedroom. I worked out a trade for the bed. Trent did not think this bed would fit, but told my sister that if I wanted it, I would make it happen. (He loves this bed now just as much as I do.)

I have to use a step stool to get in it. It's perfect!

I got this marble topped dresser and the tall one that matches it for $225. Technically, it would of been $200, but the guy was so nice that I gave him an extra ten. Then I had to borrow cash from my sister for a week and a half so I offered $15 interest. I think this is my favorite deal yet on used furniture.

And finally...pictures of my bathroom (and the promised bathroom cabinets).

40!

2011-10-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

Here are the pictures from Trent's party. We had a great time seeing our friends and family. We owe a huge thank you to Trent's parents. They left the party to take Cole to their house. He was at the tail end of his manic episode and not doing well at all. We had to do sedatives for a few more days, but he is doing great now.

We painted all the doors and door nobs in the house. We cleaned for days and then we had the women who we paid to clean for 4 hours. The next day my sister looked around the house and said, "It is sad how fast your kids can mess your house up." Amen.

But we had it clean for a few magical hours. (I even gave tours ;) We cooked two turkeys, lots of funeral potatoes, green bean casserole and snack food. My sister Brandi made two cakes and we bought 3 Costco cakes. There was lots of food left over. It lasted less than a week with my boys :)

Trent told me I could do a party for him again...as long as it was not at our house.

I painted one of my little Christmas trees black with cheap spray paint from Wal-mart. Fluff first and hold upside down to find the spots missed.

This tree I found on Amazon a few years ago. I started making ornaments but only got around to putting it up this year.

I can so totally handle this...

2011-10-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

After one of the hardest weeks of my life (involving bipolar mania, calls to and from more than one school concerning both of my sons who have bipolar, meetings with school officials, doctors, police...oh and some really fun family drama invlolving my mother)...I am feeling like I am...a survivor.

I have dealt with hard things all my life. I am learning to trust myself. I can get through this. I will make it through difficult times and be stronger and better each time. Good will conquer all else! (dramatic statement ;)

Here's the great news: everyone is stable. (And even better, we did not have any violence issues with either son.) Family stability has been one of my biggest goals from the beginning. I know what it is like to not have it. I have committed that I will do everything possible to give my children emotional and physical safety and security.

I told Trent we were going to be so strong when all of these children are raised. He said, "or dead."

On a lighter, happier note. Trent's 40th birthday is tomorrow (the 12th). I am throwing him a big open house in two weeks. He was...um...not too excited when I told him. He is not very social. I told him that this would be his one and only big party...suck it up ;) He did feel a lot better when I told him we were going to splurge and pay for house cleaners. He said it was a perfect present: not having to help me prepare for a party. I know he's going to love it. (I will make him!)

Intention

2011-10-07T23:51:00.000-07:00

My friend Kerry used this as her status update on Facebook:

What you DO speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you SAY. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is simple truth. Words are easy to say. Action show true intention. I've been thinking about this, as it applies to how people treat me and how I treat others.

It is easy to say your intentions are pure, good and noble. But what you do after that will tell the truth.

I am committed to surrounding myself with people whose actions towards me show that they are my friend. I don't think that means that I can only be with people who tell me that everything I do is wonderful. A true friend will tell you when you are wrong. But if they are really your friend, they will do it in a way that proves they are there to support and build you up.

My sister Brandi is my best friend (along with Trent, but she is a girl and will always understand things from a different perspective than a boy). We talk almost everyday on the phone. She tells me when she disagrees with me. I tell her the same. And then we leave it to God (as in "that is between you and God and I can stay out of it"). We don't have to "fix" everything about each other. We show tolerance along with complete honesty.

We are loyal to each other. That means that we don't say things about each other behind each others' backs. We know exactly where we are alike and where we are very different. But the true intention is to build each other up.

How lucky I am to have her in my life.

(I tend to be friends with people who take accountability for their lives. It is a quality I greatly respect. I don't have a lot of tolerance for people who like to play the victim. Just one of my weaknesses I need to continue to work on.)

Be the change

2011-10-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

The Ultimate Quote: Be the change you want to see in the world. --Ghandi

I am going to think about this several times a day. I need to find peace within myself right now. And hopefully that will lead to more peace around me.

Soups on...

2011-10-02T20:32:00.000-07:00

I love cooking in the fall. It finally cools down and I don't dread the kitchen. I always start baking like crazy. I also love making soup and roasting things.

Trent planted lots of tomatoes this year. He planted cherry tomatoes, romas, yellow pears, and regular ones.

We had a huge crop. I remember Tyler Florence on The Food Network making Roasted Tomato Bisque. I have wanted to make it for a long time. I should of done it sooner. It was easy and yummy.

I couldn't link to the recipe because of computer trouble. But take the time to look it up :)

Hints: I pureed the soup in my Vitamix on low (so it doesn't splatter) and gradually increased speed. Then I strained it by rubbing the spatula around the strainer.

The proof is in the pictures. All the kids loved it.

New Carpet!!!

2011-09-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

I have been putting off taking pictures of the new carpet because it is almost impossible to get the entire house clean at once. We usually only do it at Christmas for my ornament party. It takes three days of cleaning and scrubbing and threatening children. I really love to entertain. I love collecting dishes and serving bowls and platters. I love making my house sparkle and inviting good people over.

Unfortunately, I don't have the energy to raise 6 boys and entertain. The boys have no interest keeping the house nice. Some of the boys really struggle with finishing homework and need constant supervision. Cole has been the happy surprise. He has good grades and has been getting his work done at school. The older boys lied to me when I asked about their grades. So now I am on skyward and can check their work everyday. It's my full time job.

Anyway...I decided today to take pictures of the carpet (minus all the junk left on the floor by children). We did remnants in shades of brown. They coordinate really well.

Trent's office. His carpet is the lightest, but it has dark flecks. We used the leftovers from his office for the stairs because it is a lower nap and I thought it wouldn't show the wear pattern as fast. Here's hoping anyway.

The basement carpet. We had to spend the most on this because we couldn't find a remnant large enough. It was still a great price. Wain, our salesman, reduced the price of everything so we could do the entire house. I love Wain.

Chandler's bedroom.

Clayton's bedroom.

The stairs. We need to repaint (see the white lines at the edges). We are going to paint this green accent wall the tan yellow shade to match the rest of the kitchen. I think it will look better with the new sofa.

My beloved office.

More of my office to come later...

Savannah's room. Her carpet is actually a sage green that looks lighter than this photo in person.

Sabrina's carpet had to be dark and durable. She is always creating something on the floor and often leaves supplies around for little hands. Notice the red spot. She's messy, but she's the best babysitter. The little ones love her creativity and undivided attention. I think she is more like me and Savannah is more like my sister Brandi (very tidy and organized).

And finally, a shot to show how plush Clayton's carpet is. This is the doorway.

The carpet has made me so happy. Seriously. Dirt...brown. Our new carpet...brown. Not a coincidence ;)

It may seem a little backward...

2011-09-13T08:42:00.000-07:00

I am just a little different than most people. Most people learn at a young age that not everyone is your friend. Most people understand that you need to know who to trust before you share.

I learned those things too. But something inside of me doesn't like the concept one bit. I am idealistic. I want to believe that everybody is decent and kind. I know that isn't the case. But I don't like accepting it.

I want to stay open to every bit of good that humanity holds. I share almost everything about my life. Many people have asked me why I do that. My husband and my sister, the people I am closest to, have told me they hate that I open myself up to hurtful people. They wish that I was more self-protective.

I have thought about it a lot throughout my life. During times, when I have been hurt the deepest, I have been very tempted to shut down. To put the walls up that protect me. But I don't function very well like that. I am not happy when I have to be on guard.

I think I have the strength to accept it when people are unkind...when they laugh at me or misunderstand me. It is essential to have that kind of strength if you are going to live your life completely out in the open.

What I have found is that the good that comes into my life outweighs the bad. I have found that my way of being quickly repels the kind of people I don't want in my life. Shallow people can't stand me. I embrace everything they work so hard to deny in their life. The imperfections and trials of my life are the best teaching tools. I may not enjoy dealing with them, but I know they are essential to my growth.

I am always humbled when somebody tells me that they feel stronger because of my sharing. That is the purpose. I share because I believe in building each other up.

Most people wait until they know they can trust someone before they share. I open myself freely until someone shows me that their intentions towards me or my family are not good. Once I see that, I eliminate those people from my life. I believe in trying to be Christlike. But loving others does not mean making yourself a victim.

Life goes on...

2011-09-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

I finally got lab results from the endocrinologist. My cortisol was slightly high on the blood test, but came in normal on the 24 hour urine. That means there is no Cushings (and no tumor...you know you've been sick when you want it to be a tumor just to explain everything). He did say he thinks I have PCOS. Many of the symptoms for PCOS are the same as Cushings. I am lucky that I didn't develop any symptoms until after I had my children. I have two friends who also have PCOS and they have experienced infertility.

I went to my regular doctor a few months ago to deal with the hormonal imbalance symptoms I was having. I was breaking out with severe acne along my jaw line. I was growing really dark and heavy facial hair. My hair was falling out and it was oilier than it had ever been before. I had an ultrasound done and I didn't have any cysts on my ovaries. But I asked them to put me on birth control (Desogen is the best for PCOS) and Sprionolactone. The meds helped and everything went back to normal. The endocrinologist said that I could have PCOS without having cysts or all of the symptoms. It is hard to test while I am on the birth control, but he thinks I have it and that explains my symptoms.

So...the best thing to do for PCOS is a low carb diet. I feel so much better when I stick with it. But after a strong start, I have fallen off the wagon. I know carbs are my coping mechanism. So I am going to try and recommit to low carb and juicing. I am going to see if the green drinks will help build my immune system.

I found a new couch off KSL. Trent agreed on the condition that I have a two year ban on new furniture. I agreed. My mother and sister love the new couch and told me it was a great deal at $250. Trent has been slightly grouchy due to being overworked, so I have been trying to be a good wife and have agreed to let go of more projects. We took a full load to the thrift store. My furniture projects are down to a handful. It's worth it to have a happy husband :)

I went to Target and found 4 throw pillows. They cost over $100 (so not in the budget, but I bought them anyway). I got them home and they looked awful on the sofa. They were too busy and the brown color clashed with the copper shade of the sofa. So I returned them and went to IKEA and bought these for $7 each. I didn't even have to buy the pillow insert because I had some stuffing that my step-mom had just given us!

Also, Trent finished my book. I need to start writing down my favorite quotes :)

He did an A for Aubrey and then added gold leaf.

Where I'm at

2011-08-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

Day 17 of fruits and veggies: I have had some crazy, busy days and have had to change my diet a bit. I had to change to low carb instead of fruit and veggie focus. I have loved the fruits and veggies and have felt great. I actually like the green drink because I feel fantastic when I drink it. I have to drink it fast and fight the gag reflex, but it is worth it. I have really enjoyed the days when I get to focus on the raw, healthy stuff. When time does not allow, I have switched to high protein. I eat: eggs, cheese, hamburgers without buns, Cafe Rio chicken soup (no tortilla strips), steak, chicken and nuts. It isn't as healthy, but I lost 30 pounds on it before. I don't retain water. It is a much better alternative than giving up when things are busy. I am down 14 pounds in two weeks. School starts next Tuesday and I should be able to have a bit more order in my home. Eating raw takes a lot of time: shopping, prep time, and even the actual eating takes longer.

I still haven't finished my pink dresser. But Trent helped me clean my office and it looks great. I think we finally have a really good system that will work long term. I will try to take pictures of all of my projects when school starts. Oh, and carpet pictures ;)

School, wonderful public school, I LOVE YOU. I have enjoyed my children this summer, and I will enjoy sending them back to school. They are ready too I think.

Palisades

2011-08-08T00:52:00.000-07:00

My Sweet Grandpa and Grandma Shurtz invited us down to Gunnison for a fun family outing. The are the kids' great grandparents. How cool is that? Because both my mother and I were young when we had children, the kids will have fun memories of their great grandparents. They took mine and Brandi's families to Palisades State Park. My grandparents rented a canoe and paddle boat and the kids had a blast. My sister Brandi even paddled the paddle boat. I was impressed.

Some of the boys were too busy playing and I didn't catch photos of them :)

Love these two people with all my heart.

These treats were given to Tristan by a cute teenage girl who was with a group of friends. He came over and asked if he could have a sucker when they offered him one. He told me "The kids over there want to share their treats with me because they think I'm cute." I saw him sitting on her blanket talking to her and reaching into her Cheetos bag. I would share my treats with a kid as cute and sweet as him :)

I adore Gabriel. Can you see why? (He sleeps like this...with his arms behind his head. Love it.)

My grandparents also let us sleep over. The kids set up tents in the back yard and the adults got the guest bedrooms. They had a hot dog roast and barbecue. We wore my wonderful grandparents out completely...and that was with Brandi and I chasing after the kids constantly. But I'm thankful they are the kind of people who are willing to sacrifice for their great grandchildren. I want to be like them.

Pioneer Days

2011-08-06T00:37:00.000-07:00

The 24th of July is Pioneer Day in Utah. The celebrations are similar to the fourth of July ones. Fireworks are even legal. We are celebrating those wonderful people who sacrificed so much to find a place where they could worship in peace. They were hardy people who endured. My mother made these cute dresses when the girls had to have pioneer costumes for school a year ago. Sabrina really wanted to wear hers to church since the 24th was on Sunday this year. I said no. She pleaded. I gave in and then told Savannah she had to wear hers too. She was not happy. She did not want the extra attention. (Sabrina loves attention.) She wore it anyway and felt better about it after her friends told her they liked it :)

Cabinet Upgrade

2011-08-06T00:19:00.000-07:00

This giant cabinet is the one I found at Thrift Town for $139. I'm sure it was priced so low because they knew what a beast it would be to move. Luckily it is two pieces. (It took two trips and a last minute call to borrow Trent's dad's truck for one of them.)

The smaller cabinet has been moved to the basement. Eventually I want to paint them both, but I can live with them for a bit. I think the smaller one would look great done in robin's egg blue. I would probably do the larger one in cream.

Crafty gift ideas

2011-08-06T00:03:00.000-07:00

I have been doing little crafts here and there. I am trying to remember to take photos. Most of my crafts have been gifts for my loved ones. I was inspired by Pogonip's silver bird. I promptly went to the dollar store and bought about 15 birds. I spray painted half of them white. I then took a shoe polishing brush and rubbed them down with different shades of shoe polish. The brush is essential to get into all the crevices. I then rubbed the excess with a baby wipe. I want to silver leaf the other half. I also want to see if I like it better done with shoe polish or the antiquing product I buy in the acrylic bottle paint section.

This one was done with the maroon shoe polish with brown shoe polish for the top layer. The brown toned down the pink.

The second project I am working on are re-purposed cabinet door hangers. I made this for my step-sister Elise's wedding. (This was just one of the gifts. My favorite way to do gifts is to put together a bunch of fun things that I collect all year. After Christmas my gift closet is empty and I start searching again :) I found a wide variety of cabinet doors at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore. I spent a fair amount of time finding doors I liked. Most of them are going to be painted. But this one was such nice wood I left it. I found the hardware at Hobby Lobby. I am going to paint the rest of them different colors and use different knobs. I want some to be shabby chic and some to be fun and trendy. I bought some bright pink paint for the one I will make for my teenage niece. I will antique it to tone down the pink a bit.

Cul-de-sac of Fire

2011-08-05T23:32:00.000-07:00

We were invited to Julie's awesome Cul-de-sac of Fire event for the fourth of July. Julie is way more fun than I am. The food was wonderful and included a contest for the best patriotic dessert. There was a water balloon launcher and the kids made paper rockets that shot into the air. There were so many fireworks. We all had a great time.

Matt is Julie's husband. Trent and Matt are both scholars. Love it when my friend's husbands are like my husband...they don't have conversations about sports ;)

Julie was on her feet almost the entire night helping everyone to have fun. Yep, she's awesome.

Day 5: Fruits and Veggies

2011-08-04T15:40:00.000-07:00

Today is day 5 of my fruit and veggie diet. I have made some changes to the diet that was done in the film. First, I am not going to juice any fruits (except lemon and lime). Fruit is easy to eat without being juiced, so why take away the healthy fiber? I also want to watch my calories and sugar. So my goal is three pieces of fruit a day (plus the lemon or lime in my veggie shake). I am still waiting for my juicer to arrive in the mail. It was a good investment in my health. (We have paid off our new furnace/ac, water heaters, and new carpet...but still have debt. Trent says that at least we have something to throw in the hole. We ended up buying several things this year that we have put off for a very long time. We still have 6 months this year to work on our goal of paying off our credit card. It won't happen this year, but we will continue to work on money management.)

Okay back to my diet. I am using my Vitamix to blend up spinach, kale, 2 carrots, 2 celery and whole lemon with the peel removed. The Vitamix is a high quality blender that can liquefy the veggies. The fiber is left in the drink. The Vitamix is healthier, but juicing is easier. My goal will be to get lots of greens down, and juicing makes sense.

I am going to have a small 3oz piece of lean chicken when I feel like I need it. I was really hungry on day one and two. I also had severe headaches and muscle weakness. I'm sure it was candida die off. I have been on antibiotics for a month. I have yeast overgrowth. I asked the doctor for Diflucan. That combined with the diet should do the trick.

So best case: the nutrition changes that I make and stick with will heal my body and build up my immune system.

worst case:I change my diet and lose weight, and I am still sick. Then at least I can say that I have done my part. I am going to do lab work soon to check for cushings or any other endocrine abnormality. I told the doctor I would be happy to be wrong about that. He told me he doesn't think it's cushings, but he has been wrong before.

I've said it before...the best doctor's always admit that they don't have all the answers. They are willing to listen. I'm happy he's one of the good ones.

P.S. I promise I will eventually post pictures of the new carpet (and the pink dresser). I am still tired and trying to keep up with all that needs to be done.

Beautiful thoughts

2011-07-31T15:44:00.000-07:00

For to be poised against fatality, to meet adverse conditions gracefully, is more than simple endurance; it is an act of aggression, a positive triumph.
Thomas Mann

Endurance is nobler than strength, and patience than beauty.
John Ruskin

Not in achievement, but in endurance, of the human soul, does it show its divine grandeur and its alliance with the infinite.
Edwin Hubbel Chapin

I am actually doing quite well with all of the children home. We have been busy working and playing. I think this might be our best summer yet.

My biggest challenge is still my health. My appointment with the endocrinologist is this week. I also have an appointment with Dr. Ling to go over the lab results after taking the antibiotics. I have had more energy since I have been on them, but I am not where I feel I should be.

Here's the big step: a juice fast. I watched Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead on Netflix. I am thinking big and want to do the 60 day fruit and veggie juice fast that Joe did on the film. If you need to be inspired, this is the film.

My sister said she was really proud of me. I told her it is easy to say what you are going to do. Doing it is a bit harder. But I am feeling strong and committed for now. Also, facebook has a page with the movie's title. Check it out if you are curious.

Proof that I am getting something done

2011-07-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, I totally painted on the rug. I know you are probably cringing. Trent does too if he catches me. But not a drop on it. Also, I really won't ever paint on the new carpet. This rug is filthy and needs to be cleaned anyway ;)

Here are the before pictures of one of my painting projects for the summer.

I primed it grey first and now it is soft peachy pink (Benjamin Moore's Love & Happiness). I still need to rub stain on it and install all 14 pieces of hardware.

It might be a bad sign...

2011-07-22T12:37:00.000-07:00

When you add a year to your age. For months now I have been telling everyone I was 36. Well, turns out I was only 35. I just turned 36 on the 20th of July. I honestly thought I was a year older than I am. Part of me feels so young, happy, and joyful. And the other part of me feels tired, run down, and overwhelmed. I hope that part isn't winning. Hmmm...something to think about.

So now that I've established that I am 36 years young, I am determined to enjoy it ;) I started out by spending my entire birthday playing. I went with my sister Brandi and Savannah to tea at the Beehive Tea Room, Thrift Town and not one, but three TJ Maxx stores( I nicely asked Trent if I could go even though I already bought stuff back in May, he said yes. The man really loves me.) Then dinner at Cafe Rio (my order: chicken salad with black beans, shredded lettuce, everything else and both of their available dressings: creamy tomatillo and cilantro lime vinaigrette (my mother told me that tip) We finished it up by asking Trent to join us at Thor. My sister said Thor was so hot she could enjoy the movie twice (she'd already been with her husband.) He was pretty nice to look at.

Sabrina could have come but offered to stay and keep the babies happy. She is the sweetest, funnest babysitter. She plays creative games, does dress ups, and designs craft projects. I told her she gets special time with me...either a craft day or dinner and a movie. She is such a sweetie.

I found some fun jewelry at TJ Maxx. I found a giant entertainment center for $139. at Thrift Town. (My third great piece of furniture from there...but none can top last years black Friday sideboard find that was $150 and when I went to pay she told me it was half off) I called Trent and asked if we could buy it. You see...we have a pattern. I find a steal of a deal, from my siblings or while thrifting, and tell Trent about it. He says "We don't need it. You have too many projects. I don't want to move it." I coerce. He relents. We do the work and then he says "That was a great deal and it looks great in here." We have to go through this same pattern everytime I find a new deal. He argued with me for the required amount of time. Today he is picking it up. He says "This is a really solid, well built piece of furniture. I like it" And yet, I'm sure the pattern will have to continue to the end.

I also found some gifts for my gift closet at TJ Maxx. Also a cute violet lace shirt, and some stone candle holders. I love polished stone.

It was a fabulous, fantastic, wonderful birthday. And now I just need to get to work on some of my projects ;)

Perfect Pick-Me-Up (when I have been sick for too long)

2011-07-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

I had the best time last week. I spent three hours picking out carpet remnants. When we bought our house almost 6 years ago, we loved everything about it...except for the white carpet. Yes, it had little flecks of tan and it was durable berber. But it was no match for my children. (I must add that the previous owners of our home actually kept it nice and clean. It was beautiful when we bought the house, just not appropriate for our crazy family.)

I have wanted new carpet from the moment we moved in. I have put if off in an effort to limit our debt. It has been depressing to see dirty white carpet all the time. We have cleaned it every two to three months. It looks great...for a few days. And then the kids do their thing.

So we were on the way to buy a used stove from Precision Appliance in Salt Lake (we have decided this is the way to go...$250 for a nice Whirlpool to replace our almost brand new Kenmore smooth cook-top that the kids dropped something on) and we pass Carpet Giant Carpet One. It says "1000's of remnants" in the window. Trent has needed carpet to cover the linoleum in his office and I ask him if we can stop in. We go in and see walls and walls of remnants. I suggest to Trent that we at least look at remnants for the girls' bedrooms. The salesman (Wain Palmer) was so incredibly nice and willing to work with me. We told him if we could get the price right, we might be able to do the whole house. He helped us to find everything we needed.

We called home and had the older boys measure rooms. They got it spot on :) So we had a fun few days moving everything from one room to another, and now have the most beautiful new carpets. We did remnants in all of the bedrooms and offices and one larger carpet in the downstairs family room (no remnants were big enough, but Wain helped us pick out an inexpensive durable carpet. I like our house so much better. It really changed the whole feeling of those rooms.

So even though we are working really hard to get out of debt, I don't feel bad about this purchase at all. Pictures of the new carpet coming soon!!!

Before: (the first one is my office with black paint from painting furniture...I have promised Trent no more painting on the carpet)

This last one is my favorite: the big white arc is oxy clean that Sabrina dumped to clean up a red juice stain :)

Now we can clean our carpets twice a year like regular people. YAY.

Qwest for answers

2011-07-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

I finally got my blood test results. I have a pretty nasty infection. Either that or leukemia. But the doctor doesn't think it's leukemia. We'll keep watching my numbers. For now, she has put me on a heavy antibiotic for a month. She wants to make sure and wipe out any infection (sounds good to me).

Based on the last few years, I am pretty sure I have a suppressed immune system. Which is funny because all of my troubles started with an over-active one :) But when we have an illness in the family, everyone fights it quickly...except me. I will be going to this new doctor each and every time I am sick and we can document what is going on. A compromised immune system in usually evident if you have four or more bad infections in a year. I wouldn't mind being wrong. I would be thrilled if this latest dose of antibiotics takes care of everything :)

Last night I started reading about Cushing's syndrome. I have almost all of the symptoms (one of which is a suppressed immune system). So I am going to schedule an appt. with the Endocrinologist. It would be great to either confirm or rule it out.

I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who remembered me in their prayers. I have felt strength beyond my own.

Acceptance

2011-06-20T19:35:00.000-07:00

I haven't been doing much of anything productive lately and it stinks. I've been sick. I feel like I have had the flu for several weeks. I finally went to a Internist. She is a nice Chinese woman who I like. I have a brother-in-law who has cystic fibrosis. He has had a double lung and liver transplant. He takes a low dose antibiotic to keep him from getting sick because of the drugs that wipe out his immune system. It works. I've been sick often this past year. He has been sick once. He went in to the doctor right away and they tested him and found that he had the flu. They gave him Tamiflu and he was better in two days. That particular time, I was sick for six weeks with the same illness (all of the family members had it for a few days).

I asked her about the possibility of taking the same antibiotic that he is on. She told me that is a worst case scenario. The body can become resistant to antibiotics. She did send me to the lab to get tested for several things. I am hoping we can find some sort of answers. I really don't like the thought of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or Fibromyalgia.

My mother is a massage therapist and I have been well schooled on the natural healing approach. I've been doing everything I can to naturally boost my immune system.

So now comes the part where I turn it over to God. He is in charge. I believe in miracles and that anything can happen if it is his will.

Spirit of Music

2011-06-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

It was awards day at school. Sabrina informed me that the overachievers got some pretty nifty ones including some that were signed by President Obama. She also said the kids who got those awards worked hard and deserved them. So what did my girls get?

Savannah got the Great Attitude Award.

Sabrina got the Spirit of Music Award.

They were both from Mrs. Davis who is their music teacher. She loves her job and is excellent with the children.

I am honestly thrilled. They love school. They love their teachers and what they are learning. I consider that a success. (besides, most of the grandparents are not big fans of Obama ;)

Cute story from Disneyland: There was a man playing ragtime music on Main Street. He said to the crowd that he would gladly take requests. We had just sat down to eat and Sabrina asked if she could go request a song. I told her that she should eat. She was so excited and energetic that she couldn't sit still. I told her she really needed to eat. She begged. I told her fine. She ran up and asked him if he knew "Play A Simple Melody"? He asked her how she knew that song. She told him her music teacher at school had taught it to her. He smiled at her and began playing. She ran back to the table and performed for us (singing and dancing). All the people around us were smiling at her. I could tell that the man playing really enjoyed watching her sing along to his music. Sabrina feels everything and can't help but express it with all her heart.

Bright idea

2011-06-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

I had requests for this post:

I was brave and decided to let the cousins sleep over. Preston and Jaxon rode bikes for hours. It was getting really cold and windy out. I had to leave to run a quick errand and I looked at both boys and told them no more bike riding. It was too cold and it was getting dark. I told them to go downstairs and watch a movie with the other kids.

When I leave, I am bombarded with phone calls. I usually quit answering. When I go to check my messages, I can only make out parts of the conversation because someone is upset and yelling about something somebody else did. That is why I don't leave my house very much. It isn't worth the chaos that ensues. I don't go to scout nights or school performances. I stay put and keep the peace.

That was the biggest complaint from two of my children about my performance as a mother (I really do ask them how they feel about the job I am doing). I told them I understood their feelings but that I always make sure they have a sibling or grandparent there to support them. I also told them that if that was the big complaint, they really don't have it so bad. They agreed. It has been suggested that I should bring the whole family along...um, no. I don't have the temperament to drag all 7 other children by myself (Trent works two jobs). Just not going to happen. Trent goes to the daytime school performances while I stay home with the little ones. His work is within walking distance of their school.

So I ignored the phone calls coming from my house. Then I get a call from my sister (whose children I had at my house). She tells me that she received a call from the children. I might want to hurry home and see about a situation involving spray paint.

Preston and Jaxon sat and watched the movie for a few minutes. Then they decided to go bike riding. Jaxon had been riding Savannah's aqua blue girl's bike all day. They decided to lower the seat on Clayton's bike so that Jaxon wouldn't have to ride the dumb girls bike. Trent has locked up all the tools to keep little boys out of them. So after trying a few different items to use as a hammer, Preston grabbed a can of red spray paint. He punctured the can and it exploded everywhere. It ruined all of Preston's clothes. Jaxon got paint in his hair, on his shirt and his brand new shoes.

This is the floor after an hour of Preston and Cole using magic erasers and our industrial steam cleaner with a metal scrubbing tip. They cleaned the three white areas in the middle. (We are going to repaint.)

I include this picture to show that my hoarding tendencies saved us. The garage was so full of projects that they didn't have a lot of room to work it. We really lucked out that the paint only splattered the bikes and the floor. I can handle paint on the bikes. I don't know how I would of handled it if he would of got my "new" car (bought it used from my brother...interest free payments!)

The only opinions that count

2011-05-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

When it comes to being a mother:

1. There will always be critics. Everyone has an opinion on mothering. My favorites are (of course) the people who don't actually have children, but who love to share their knowledge of what you are doing wrong.

2. The best way to deal with the critics is to ignore them. There are so many other things worthy of attention.

3. I ask my children what they think of the job I'm doing. They are the ones who matter.

I recieved these cute envelopes from my girls.

I received a Mother of the Year award from each of them. Some of their thoughts:

From Savannah:
My mom is very fun and happy. She will plan wonderful birthday parties. And then she takes us shopping, to the movies and out to eat.

My mom is very hardworking. My mom has to clean the house, and mess of our brothers (SIX !) On top of this she has to feed us. Plus when a school project comes up she puts a lot of hard work into it, and stays up all night.

My mom is very talented and smart when she is crafting. She had the idea of turning a domino into an ornament! It was a great success. She can make those metal necklaces you wear on a chain.

From Sabrina: (I have to share all of Sabrina's because it is shorter, and her writing always makes me laugh)
Eight. What is eight? To some, it is the number of ladies dancing. But, to my mom it's the number of children she has. Oh and only two girls, me and my twin sister. So now you know why my mom should be mother of the year. If I haven't already convinced you, I should mention that she is very creative too. My mom makes sure I am healthy, happy, and active.

My mom always supports our needs. She keeps the family running smoothly! She helps with school work. For example: I was working on a poster about Mississippi and she helped me a lot! Who has the heart to have a family of 10? Well, my mom

My mom is very crafty. She can make jewelry and ornaments and decorations. She taught me how to bead and I made some pink and white earrings. My mom makes beautiful ornaments and decorations, like this one time she made an ornament out of a domino. (that must have impressed them)

My mom makes sure I have top notch health. She makes delicious soup, salads, casserole and pizza. The best part is that my mom makes sure it is healthy. She goes on bike rides with us and exercises. My mom makes sure we're not overweight or underweight. She encourages us to eat our fruits and veggies too.

So now you see why my mom should be Mother of the Year! My mom is the best. I couldn't ask for anything more. And if you don't choose her, she will still be Mother of the Year to me!

And this book from Preston was super cute:

(Notice the upside down peace signs...they are probably something little boys are drawing and he has no idea what they mean. I love the opportunity to talk to my kids about stuff they pick up at school.)

(um...I think pizza is his favorite food and he is not a fan of beans...I love them)

(yep...totally true)

(Peace...spelled Paeese)

Easter 2011

2011-05-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

Easter was lovely. My mother had a very nice dinner and egg hunt. (sadly no pictures because at that point in the day I had already put several hours of work into getting everyone ready for church and then entertaining my baby in nursery for two hours...I was beat)

We don't do baskets on Easter. I want the children to have some time to reflect on the Savior and his love for each of us. We usually do baskets on Saturday.

I love Chandler and Preston's outfits in the pictures. Chandler's outfit was what resulted after being sent back down 4 times to find proper clothing (he wore something to church that didn't fit) and Clayton finally handed him one of his shirts that didn't exactly fit either, but I had had enough and let it slide. Preston wanted to wear a bow tie that is part of a choir uniform. Pick your battles.

Little things can make a big difference

2011-05-07T10:32:00.000-07:00

My friend Nancy sent me this e-mail. I loved it. We have been really trying to do family scripture and prayers more consistently. When we are reading them with the children, it is often chaotic. But I know that a simple thing like taking a few minutes for spiritual devotion can make a really big difference in our family.

The Wicker Basket

The story is told of an old man who lived on a farm in the mountains of eastern Kentucky with his young grandson. Each morning, Grandpa was up early sitting at the kitchen table reading from his old worn-out Bible. His grandson who wanted to be just like him tried to imitate him in any way he��could.

One day the grandson asked, 'Papa, I try to read the Bible just like you but I don't understand it, and what I do understand I forget as soon as I close the book. What good does reading the Bible do?' The Grandfather quietly turned from putting coal in the stove and said, 'Take this old wicker coal basket down to the river and bring back a basket of water.'

The boy did as he was told, even though all the water leaked out before he could get back to the house. The grandfather laughed and said, 'You will have to move a little faster next time,' and sent him back to the river with the basket to try again. This time the boy ran faster, but again the old wicker basket was empty before he returned home. Out of breath, he told his grandfather that it was 'impossible to carry water in a basket,' and he went to get a bucket instead. The old man said, 'I don't want a bucket of water; I want a basket of water. You can do this. You're just not trying hard enough,' and he went out the door to watch the boy try again.

At this point, the boy knew it was impossible, but he wanted to show his grandfather that even if he ran as fast as he could, the water would leak out before he got far at all. The boy scooped the water and ran hard, but when he reached his grandfather the basket was again empty. Out of breath, he said, 'See Papa, it's useless!'

'So you think it is useless?' The old man said, 'Look at the basket.'

The boy looked at the basket and for the first time he realized that the basket looked different. Instead of a dirty old wicker coal basket, it was clean.

'Son, that's what happens when you read the Bible. You might not understand or remember everything, but when you read it, it will change you from the inside out.'

Moral of the wicker basket story:��Take time to read a portion of God's word each day; it will affect you for good even if you don't retain a word.

Thought for Today:��God's Love is like the ocean, you can see its beginnings but not its end.

I really like this story because I don't remember things like I used to....but then I think

God isn't concerned about my brain anyway, He's more concerned about my heart.

And...back to reality.

2011-05-06T17:19:00.000-07:00

The only problem with going on a perfect trip that you have waited 18 years to do: coming back to reality. I have had a bit of a hard time coping. I didn't just catch scarlet fever, I caught Disney fever. I have spent all of my birthday money and bought all of the girls' Christmas presents. Yeah, I went a little overboard.

You see, I know this about myself...I could be one of those crazy collectors. When I start collecting, I am obsessed. I can't focus on anything except research, price comparing and winning auctions. Before ebay (and before I had so many children) I used to spend my Saturdays going to 8 or so boutiques and comparing to find the best things for the best prices. I would often have to drive back to a store because I would get home and realize after looking everywhere else that what I left at the store was the best. I used to do daycare and cut hair out of my home and that is how I financed these shopping trips.

My brother, sister and I all have OCD. Yes, it has turned into a social joke, but it is real and we all struggle with it. It is the most mild for me and the strongest for my brother. Trent has a hard time when the three of us are together and we start obsessing about something all at once. We repeat ourselves, ask a ton of questions, and wear other people around us out. (When I talk to my sister and brother I can "see" the loop going around in their brains sometimes. It's like we all get stuck on something. I hate it when I repeat myself, but I do it all the time.)

I guess I am lucky because I recognized from an early age that I could get into serious trouble with collecting. So I have always been crazy and obsessive for a short while and then forced myself to give it up. I also have collected many different things instead of just one. Examples: tea sets, depression glass, china, silver salt spoons and various cellars, various toy sets (dragons, warriors, fairies, mini babies, polly pocket, etc.), jewelry, reborn baby dolls, snowglobes and of course Christmas. I have small collections of each of these (except Christmas...that collection is huge.)

I try to find as many things as I can from thrift stores. I love, love, love finding the bargains. I love ebay, but that can get out of hand. There is so much selection. So I only allow myself to look a few times a year.

Anyway...at Disneyland they had fun princess and tinkerbell ornaments. We decided that we would do a Disney princess tree this year to celebrate our trip. So after coming home, I starting looking online for more ornaments. And then snow globes. (which, btw, I just found out that you can get snow globes repaired. I so wish I would of known this two months ago when I threw away one of my favorites that I bought from San Francisco Music Box Co several years ago. It could have been saved) :(

So, after some serious shopping I am going to have the funnest princess tree. And the girls are getting three vintage Disney snow globes and some awesome vintage polly pocket sets for Christmas. And we are completely done with shopping for all three girls' Christmas and birthday presents this year.

So now: back to reality. Back to cleaning and scrubbing, homework and boys who don't want to do it, loud, frustrated children who get louder and louder to have their concerns heard, hormones that make me and my teenage children horrible to be around, and no spending money.

I am going to have to make time for crafting. Like top priority.

Disneyland...it was worth the wait!!!

2011-04-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

Our trip was pretty much perfect. Even coming home and realizing I picked up scarlet fever was okay because it was such a wonderful trip. (I got right in to the doctor after being in some of the worst pain of my life, and was given antibiotics and pain pills. They both worked, although I was worried I might overdose because I had to take so much of the pain meds that I was dizzy and couldn't quite see straight. And it still hurt, it was just tolerable. I am doing much better now and am off the pain meds.)

I think God was smiling down on our trip. It had been cold in California the week before we came, and was supposed to be cold the week after. Locals kept telling us we lucked out with the perfect weather. The kids got 1st Visit buttons to wear and then Happy Birthday ones because we were celebrating their birthdays. They got lots of special attention.

Highlights:
They all got to "steer" the Mark Twain boat and got certificates. (the girl who was working told me that a man brought in one that was given to him 50 years ago)

They got to sit on the special spot of the Storybook Land boat ride.

Sabrina was told by several Disneyland employees that she needed to work there. She is a natural performer and left people laughing and smiling everywhere she went.

We had one sweet employee give us a magic guest ride pass on our last night that meant we could pick any ride and not have to wait in line. We picked Peter Pan. (That was my very favorite ride. Soaring Over California came in second.)

We decided that we would rather have the kids go just once and get to have all the special souvenirs than to go two or three times and not do any of the extra stuff. So the girls had their pictures drawn, we did the silhouettes (thanks Jenny for the idea), we bought all the princess trading pins we wanted, snow globes, and of course, the mickey mouse ears. But now they make them girly style too!

We also stopped in Vegas and went to the Disney Outlet there and made sure that the boys at home got plenty of extras. They also get to go to Legoland because they waited patiently for their turn. If we are lucky, they might get to go in a year, but two will be the guaranteed limit.

One of the highlights for me was stopping at two of the Ross Stores in Las Vegas and two in CA. I found amazing deals (and plus size selection) on clothes for me and we bought the kids some more toys for really good prices.

It was almost like Christmas when we got home :) But the very best surprise of our trip was that we called Dad and talked him into flying out for the last half of our trip. He even got $300 in flight vouchers for a mistake the airline made that didn't bother our plans at all. That was almost double the cost of the flight :) We are going to do a parent's get away to San Diego sometime this year.

Trent got to go to our last day of Disneyland and then come with us to San Diego and the beach. We stayed at the Bahia, which we loved. Included in the hotel stay was a riverboat ride and breakfast. The hotel also had a pond with ducks (we saw the new ducklings waddle around after their mother), and two rescue seals that live at the hotel. We stayed our last night in Vegas (far away from the strip) and that helped break up the drive home.

This trip was a celebration of family. Maybe that seems funny because we didn't take the whole family along, but it is exactly how we function as a large family. We make our own rules and enjoy life on our own terms. We have learned to be flexible and how to sacrifice to help each other.

Chandler was great as the man in charge at home and told me not to worry and to have a great time. My mom and sister helped out and made it fun. Tristan told me he really liked when Grandma Connie took him to the candy shop. It was actually a local grocery store that has toy cars attached to the shopping carts that the little ones can "drive". They have cheap ice cream cones and yummy donuts and the boys loved it :)

When my sister went to Disneyland she took over 400 pictures. I thought that was funny. I took over 500. But don't worry, I will limit myself to a little over 30 ;)

We decided Vegas is not the thing to do after you have spent all your money and energy at Disneyland. So we just shopped and slept there and got some fun pictures while driving down the Strip.

And the perfect ending to the perfect trip: driving home while looking out at the beautiful full moon.

(I have to thank my sister Brandi for telling me I was crazy when I was only going to buy one day tickets for Disneyland. She said the drive down there is too long to only get to do one day at the park. So we ended up getting the four day park-hopper passes (with a Spring Break special so one day was almost free) and I am soooo glad we did!)

Spring Break

2011-04-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

I promise I will do some blog posts with pictures after my trip. I should be finishing up packing, but I am of course checking facebook and blogs. My friend J got to go to Paris and Madrid! She made a good point about safety. Just in case you might have evil intentions...Trent will be here, we have cameras, and my neighborhood is full of people who care about each other.

I also will be having family members checking on the rest of my children. Who, btw, are really okay about waiting their turn to go to Disneyland. Chandler is thrilled to have a week off school. He informed me yesterday, "I actually like to learn. I just hate school." He is so happy to have a break and get to read. (He was getting F's and D's in a few classes. I had even been watching him sit down to do 3 hours of homework a night. Finally, we realized that he had four big books from the library. He was telling me he was doing homework when he was actually reading for fun. Now he has to have a note from his English teacher to check out a book from the library. His grades are up again.)

Cole and Preston are bodies in motion. They are happy as long as they are moving. Their Spring Break plans include: the pool, riding bikes, and exploring nature. I bought an inexpensive bike from Wal-mart so I could ride around the neighborhood with them. They loved it! I think I am going to have to do a post about my bike (yes with pictures, because I can laugh at myself!)

I am going to miss Tristan and Gabriel. They are so fun to spend the day with. They are happy most of the time. The are my rewards for having enough faith to keep having babies. Trent says all the time how much fun it is going to be when they are the only ones here at home. It will be so calm.

Back to how this trip to Disneyland came about. I woke up at 3:00 am one night. I had the idea come to me that if we were flexible, the children could all get to go at least once. I spent the rest of the night planning the trip to see if we could make it work.

I asked Trent what he thought of the idea (he liked it). I asked him if he wanted to go (he said he couldn't right now.) I told the kids about it in the morning. The older ones were thrilled with the thought. (I love having unspoiled children...they keep saying things like "I can't believe we are really going to Disneyland.) They younger boys were fine with the idea that they would get their turn in a year or two. Plus, they get Dad to go on their trip (bonus for waiting.)

Then, after all of that, I got worried about the money. I asked Trent if we should wait another year or two. He told me that the kids were excited and we should do it. So, I am going to turn the computer off and finish packing.

I took Tristan to the Disney Store in a local mall and now he thinks he has already been to Disneyland. How cute is that? (and won't it be fun to take him to the real place?)

I'm feeling good!

2011-04-02T00:05:00.000-07:00

Our family got sick. Like all families do. Everyone was sick for a few days...except me. I was sick for six solid weeks. I had a severe cold and resulting exhaustion. It finally died down right about the time I had surgery. It took two solid weeks of feeling weak and dizzy, and sleeping for 12 hours at a time, but I am finally feeling good!

It's perfect timing. Spring is here and I am in the mood to enjoy it. I bought some new clothes. I found oodles of darling girly shoes (almost brand new condition...I don't buy anything used unless it is barely used) for my twins and I. I am just feeling good :)

And...you won't believe this...I am taking three of our children to Disneyland! Remember the nasty credit card debt? Because of our great credit (never have made a late payment on anything since we've been married) we've received several no interests for many months balance transfer offers. The winner was 21 months! Yay for that. So even though we have debt, it will all be interests free. We are only taking this month to play and then back to business. In two more months we will have our furnace, a/c, and water heaters all paid off. Then we will work steadily to become debt free. Doesn't that sound great :)

Now some people (my brother in law) have said that it is weird to only take some of the family to Disneyland. Over the years I have looked at planning a trip for us all. It was just overwhelming. Too much money and too much stress. Since we are always on a budget, I did not want to take little ones in strollers and push them around the park. I would like children to be old enough to really enjoy the experience.

SO....Clayton, Savannah, and Sabrina are the lucky ones this time. Trent wanted to stay home with the other children and give them this opportunity. He is always unselfish like that. He is incredibly thoughtful of those around him :) I am going to drive down with them. I got the spring break special on 3 day park hopper tickets and then we are going to stay in San Diego for the last day. Our hotel is right on the water with it's own private beach. I was telling my grandpa that my kids have never been to the beach. He put things into perspective when he said many people in this world will never see the beach.

How true is that? We get caught up in the idea that our children have it really rough if they don't get big vacations. But we have so many luxuries and need to never take them for granted.

My parents' strength was family fun. They were young and always put a lot of energy into fun vacations and outings. We were taken to Disneyworld a few times growing up. I love that even though we had a lot of family challenges, there are lots of great memories like those. Birthdays and Christmas were always made special. I think that is why I love to go all out at Christmas. I cling to the happy memories of my childhood.

Anyway, in a year or two we will take Chandler, Cole and Preston. Hopefully by then the kids will be old enough that we can leave the older ones with the two youngest for a week and Trent and I can take them down together. Tristan and Gabe will of course be spoiled and probably get to go more than once. Oh, it's good to be the babies of the family :) But they are the two sweetest, most obedient little boys and I don't think they will act spoiled even with the extra resources.

If you have any good tips, feel free to share. We have already stocked up on treats and quick food from Costco to put in a locker at Disneyland to save money. I love MouseSavers the best for planning tips. One of the biggest luxuries we have is the Internet. Remember when we didn't have it to plan our vacations? We are spoiled.

Stretched

2011-03-22T21:58:00.000-07:00

It is a testament to how much I love my children that I endured 7 pregnancies to get them here. I hated being pregnant. I don't hate much in life, but pregnancy is vying for the number one slot. I really had a hard time understanding when women would tell me that they loved being pregnant. What's to love...feeling like you have the flu (but you don't get to stay in bed and rest), having hormonal swings that turn you into someone you don't recognize, or having your body get really good and messed up?

I suffered greatly the entire 9 months, all 7 times. People would say to me that having twins was like two for one pregnancy. It was actually more like four pregnancies in one. Everything was the very worst with the twins. At least I got my girls out of it...I don't think I could have endured it for anything less than my dream come true.

Twin pregnancy for me meant: double morning sickness (all of the hormones are increased), contractions from 13 weeks on (that meant bed rest with 3 little boys under the age of 6 and husband working full time and finishing BYU...oh, and I wasn't speaking to my mother at the time), stretch marks going a few inches higher (and my body stretching in ways I was not prepared for), carpel tunnel nerve damage (pain, lots of pain) from the extreme swelling (Trent remembers my skin cracking on my legs from the swelling...I think I blocked it out), and then the girls grew so large that I couldn't even sleep. I woke up every twenty minutes or so and had to turn over because of the pain. That's when things got really fun.

I was gigantic and sleep deprived. I don't think that hormonal crazy comes close to sleep deprived crazy. I remember crying...a lot.

All this misery for me meant that they were born healthy. I made it to 37 weeks (considered full term for twins) and they were born weighing 6lbs 2 oz and 7lbs 3oz. That is huge for twins. They were pretty right from the start and worth every bit of my suffering. Twin girls...I felt like I had won the lottery.

I was also left with a hernia. They got so big they stretched a weak spot in my stomach muscles. I had it operated on. Then I found out I was pregnant when they were 10 months old. SURPRISE!!! The hernia opened up again.

I had another surgery and this time the doctor put mesh in. Fast forward almost four years. We are crazy enough to get pregnant again. We moved when I was 7 months pregnant (boy was that fun). Tristan was my first c-section and my smallest baby (born 5 weeks early...5lbs 12 oz). The doctors told us he was a miracle baby. The placenta looked like it was a month overdue. They said he might of died if he would have been born even a day or two later. I developed all of my autoimmune problems during this pregnancy. I also developed another hernia.

Needless to say, Trent did not want to have another baby. He was honestly worried I wouldn't make it. I prayed. I asked to have the desire for another baby be taken away if I was done. I ended up pregnant and Trent had a great attitude about it. He exercised a lot of faith. And Gabriel is about the most perfect baby ever.

I just had surgery to repair the hernia from Tristan's pregnancy. The doctor found three hernias and put in a piece of mesh that was 6 by 8 inches. I feel better already. The worst was when my colitis flared. I had sore intestines poking out of a big gap in the muscle. Doesn't that sound delightful? (also had my gall bladder removed after ten years of problems)

We are done having babies. My friends all say to me, "Do you know how many grandchildren you are going to have?" I'm up for it. As long as I don't have to carry them ;)

The pregnancies were horrendous, but this is what I got out of them:

Charmed

2011-02-27T22:25:00.000-08:00

In the last two years we have replaced: our washer and dryer (upgraded to the "smart" ones...totally worth it, and our old washing machine had died so it wasn't completely frivolous), our dishwasher, our microwave, our oven range, our two water heaters, furnace, air conditioner and a car. And we purchased a water softener (thankfully we were plumbed for it already) to keep the new appliances in good working order. Having 10 people in a household puts a lot of wear and tear on everything.

We desperately need new carpet in our basement. Okay...maybe having dirty, stained white carpet isn't a true emergency, but that will have to wait for quite a bit. All of our replacements and upgrades have our budget stretched. It is probably a metaphor for our life right now. I think we have to be in the hardest stage of raising children. We have teenagers and a toddler. Everyone needs something...today. I choose to believe that in about 10 years things will be a little less intense. We are really emphasizing self reliance and letting them know now that we won't solve all of their adult problems for them. They will learn from experience.

When we go shopping at Costco, I have been surprised the hear the cashiers say "Her kids know how to work. They help her with all of the loading and unloading." I can't help but think that is sad that kids helping with the shopping gets noticed. I remember talking to a lovely French woman who worked at The Paris Market in Savannah, Georgia. It is right across from Paula Deen's restaurant The Lady and Sons. We were talking about the differences between France and America. She said that in America, children are little Kings and Queens. The world revolves around them. In France, she said the attitude is, "You're a kid." I wish I could convey the tone of voice she used. It was implied that children do not run the show.

I loved the woman and the shop. She was charming. And I know they love their children in France, even if they don't worship them ;)

Anyway, with all of our children and our brand new appliances, we have an even tighter budget in play. With my new budget to think of everyday, I will be making gifts instead of buying them. We are getting serious here. I mean business. We are going to get out of debt. Trent is being a great team player and didn't even complain when I told him our dates were going to have to be much simpler (cheaper). We are lucky to have Seth and Brandi so close, and they love our cheap dates at their house as much as we do.

It's all about habits, and attitude. It's about letting go of social pressure. And enjoying life on our own terms. We have done that all along to some extent, we are just getting more intense. I will be doing my part too and have told my sister that I can't go shopping for fun. No more fun trips to TJ Maxx, Ross, Kohls, or the craft stores. Dang it, why are they building a Hobby Lobby right by me? I am being a bit dramatic. It will only be for a year and a half. We are very lucky that we have steady employment and can pay our bills. And I have the privilege of staying at home with my children.

Cooking saves so much money. I am grateful that I have a kitchen full of nice appliances and gadgets that make the job much easier. We already buy almost all of our clothes from thrift stores or garage sales. The kids look good too. I only buy top quality, I just get it for a fraction of the price. And we have wonderful neighbors who send things our way.

I will try to take pictures of our life as we carry out our plans. It should be easier with the last splurge I made. I have never had a cool cell phone. I always had the cheapest one I could find. I was able to qualify for the new every two promotion with Verizon and just got my iPhone. It is kinda funny, but this phone has actually changed my life. (sounds cheesy, but it's true) Everything is easier with it.

I had a craft day and made these glass charms.

As a Man Thinketh

2011-02-20T16:13:00.000-08:00

“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.”
Denis Waitley

And from the book "As a Man Thinketh" (based on: Proverbs 23:7 As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.")
"Men don't get that which they want, but that which they are." (paraphrased)
James Allen

Simple, yet profound. All of the best quotes are. I've been really pondering choice and accountability. I want to understand the concepts well so that I can properly teach them to my children. And continue to learn them for myself.

Another quote from James Allen that I loved:
“The man who cannot endure to have his errors and shortcomings brought to the surface and made known, but tries to hide them, is unfit to walk the highway of truth.”

Gingerbread house 2010

2011-02-19T10:47:00.000-08:00

My auntie Karen is my mom's only sister. She invites the girls up to make gingerbread houses. (and fun Valentine's Day chocolates and candy) She does all of the work. She bakes the gingerbread, makes the icing, prepares the base and has candy layed out in bowls. She even picks up boxes from Costco to take them home in :) She's thoughtful like that.

I love it so much. I have to put mine on top of the fridge and threaten the kids with their lives if they eat the candy. They get to tear it apart on New Year's Day. And they do. Gross. They even figure out how to eat some of the stale old gingerbread. That should tell you how much junk food we keep around here.

The twins get to each make one. They eat theirs as soon as they get home and the boys get the leftover candy, frosting and gingerbread (so you don't have to feel sorry for them :)

My sister Brandi lets her kids eat hers as soon as she gets home because she remembers the torture of not being able to eat all of the candy off the ones my mom and grandma made. She says that fresh gingerbread should not go to waste :) That is why everyone always wants to be Brandi's friend. I am kinda like taking your medicine and Brandi is like eating dessert first. I care about growth, development, and healing (for you and me both). She makes life fun and enjoyable!

Success!

2011-02-17T22:27:00.000-08:00

I graduated from cosmetology school 17 1/2 years ago. I have stayed up on cutting hair with my family and friends. But I have not done color.

I have had a few people in the family want me to highlight their hair. So I decided to be brave and see how things would go. (I have a good eye for details.) I had the cute girls at the beauty supply help me formulate the product and bought a few books on color. I am not ready to work steadily yet (my kids need a lot of attention), but want to keep working on my skills so that I have an option of opening a salon in my home someday.

My mom wouldn't let me cut her hair when I graduated way back when. She said she had tricky hair and had found someone she liked. So I have never done her hair...until recently. The girl she currently has doing her hair has had a few babies close together and her life gets crazy sometimes. Also, my mother has been travelling all over and has had limited windows of time to get her hair done. So...opportunity came knocking for me. She has liked the work I have been doing on other family members and decided to risk it :)

I'll let you decide for yourself. I did this cut, color, and style. She said the way I styled it was a little too polished for her. That's why we call her a hippie ;)

She is a cute mom, isn't she? I told you she was young in spirit. Don't you love her glow?

Guest Post

2011-02-16T10:37:00.000-08:00

We find cute notes left on our bed frequently. All of the children love art. The girls want to draw and color everyday. As soon as I get a chance, I will take some photos and post some of the sweet cards they have left us.

I found a lined sheet of paper folded in half a few days ago. It said on the outside:
For your blog!
Please right this in your blog

The kids love to read my blog and especially love the parts about them. We are an open family and we always talk about each other's strengths and weaknesses and how to build each other up. They are pretty comfortable with the truth being shared. (the good and the bad) I think it is because they know that their success is my highest priority. They trust in our love...even when it is tough love.

The note was from Sabrina. So I will do as requested :) She struggles with spelling (no worries...we have spell check :)...or in this case, mom.

LOVE
love: crazy, magic, fun, addictive
surprising, slippery, exciting, unique
prize, extraordinary, renewing!

Well, love is like an alarm. You know when it goes off, but you have to wait. It also can give you a sense of...how can I say this...a new perspective!

Well, not to put a downer on things, but think of HATE. It's horrible. Mean. Then you put it like this: it's the opposite. And in this case...opposites do not attract.

Love is like...well to be honest, it is so "supercallafrajalistic". It's impossible to write exactly what it is!

But I can in a way. That just proves my point that love is tricky like an egg..."slippery". It guides you!

Oh, this will sum it up: It's the "spark" in life! It's perfect in every way!

Sometimes you feel like you would do anything for it!

Yep...she is mine!

It's a Pirate's Life For Me

2011-02-15T22:37:00.000-08:00

Tristan turned the Big #5. It was very exciting. So we celebrated by going to Pirate's Island. We took all of our children, his cousins Jade (she is 3 months older and he adores her) and Jaxon, and my cousin Lari's daughter Taylor (who I had the pleasure of babysitting for two years).

A few days after his party, our water heater rusted out. We ended up replacing both water heaters, our furnace and air conditioning unit. JOY. It means that things like big birthday parties and shopping sprees are out for 18 months. That is when we should be debt free again. I am so glad I took all of our children and didn't have a friend party. (The kids were so incredibly sweet when we had a family meeting to discuss saving money and having good attitudes. They understand the importance of our family unit and making sacrifices for the greater good.)

Anyway...the party was a success. I was completely exhausted when it was done :)

The twins wanted to dress up. I wonder where they could of possibly got their flare for drama?

Brandi and Jade

Lari and Taylor

Brandi saved me when I realized I forgot the cake. She ran across the street to Costco. She said she got a "fresh" one that they had just brought out. It was frozen :) but still enjoyed by all.

Cole's birthday was next. Trent and I took him to dinner and then to pick a few presents from the store. He knew exactly what he wanted for his big present: a remote controlled boat. As soon as we got home, he headed to the pool to take it out for a spin :)

Why I LOVE Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T15:20:00.000-08:00

Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours.
C. S. Lewis

Who we are is what we give to others. The more I give love, the happier I am. I love a holiday that is all about expressing our love to those around us. It doesn't have to be expensive, saccharin sweet, or over the top. Small, simple things are wonderful when you put sincere love into them :)

And for the men:
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
Jay Leno

The greatest gift my mother has given me

2011-02-10T21:04:00.000-08:00

My mom and I have had many years of frustration as we have tried to get along. We are very different. (and the same) We are in a good place now where we accept the differences. My mother once said that she felt like she was stuck between two rocks. Her mother and I. My grandmother and I both value stability. We like things to feel safe and secure. (My sister said she thought that my mother being born between two very stable women was not an accident on God's part :)

My mom is a free spirit. She loves to travel and move around. She likes working for herself, even though she has to struggle financially. She is fun and acts young. When you compare the two of us, it is apparent that I am an old soul.

She is impulsive and has made many mistakes. But she owns them. Her example has shown me that it's okay to mess up sometimes. She has a spirit that doesn't give up (on herself or others). She keeps trying and working to get where she wants to be. I admire that about her.

I love that I can tell her exactly how I feel. She may not like it, but she lets me say it. She tells me when she can respond and when she isn't in a place to. But I know that I can always be honest with her. She is really good at working with me until we come to a solution. We are so different that we have to work through things. They don't come easily sometimes given our different views.

We are going to go on our first family vacation this summer with her and her husband and most of my siblings and their spouses. This came about after my sister Brandi told me that on Christmas Day her and her husband Seth were shown several photos of vacations that my mom (Connie) and her husband Craig had taken with his five daughters. They do a few vacations every year. Craig is a committed and loving father and makes them his first priority.

Seth and Brandi wondered why we don't do any vacations with the adult children. I shared that with my mom. She told me that she didn't think Brandi, who is a glamour girl, would go on their type of vacation. They are outdoorsy and love to rough it. When I told Brandi that, she said she would go just to prove my mom wrong, lol. So my mom told me to book a huge family campsite for three days this summer and we are going to take the whole family (at least the ones that live here and want to come) camping. I am proud that I have a mom who listens and tries to give us what we need.

She also takes all of my children for a sleepover for their birthday. She gets them good food and spends time doing fun things just for them. She is very crafty and makes us cool things like purses and hair flowers. She is generous and will give to anyone she can.

She has taught me that it's okay to make mistakes and even better to laugh about them :)

I am a recovering hoarder.

2011-01-24T00:31:00.000-08:00

If you want a clean house, you have to know how to get rid of stuff. It is a simple fact of life. I am a more is more kind of girl. I love stuff. But I have so much of it that my precious office/craft room has turned into a closet. It is not a functional space. My husband is very good at organization. I have begged him to help me clean my office several times. And he has done it. After so many times, he told me...no. So I offered to pay him :) He did it twice for money, but told me that the fee was going up.

I have once again made a giant mess and asked him to help me. He said I would have to pay a lot. I reminded him we are trying to pay off the credit card. (I'm hoping this will be the year :) So I asked him if he would support me if I was willing to get rid of stuff. I understand the frustration of helping someone who keeps creating the same kind of messes for themselves. I looked at my office and knew I needed to get rid of a lot of it. He told me the conditions: get rid of half of it. I told him I couldn't do that much. He said I had to.

We worked all day yesterday. I took an entire van full of stuff to the thrift store. I am about half way done. And I know that I am a recovering hoarder because it felt great. It wasn't hard and sad and awful. I felt a wonderful sense of freedom. I sent a few of the really neat things to some of the neighbors. It helps to know they will go to someone I love.

When you have to get in and really take care of all of the stuff you own, it helps you to prioritize. It is easier to not go shopping for fun when you actually deal with the stuff you have already bought. I have limits for several of my favorite stores. I usually only go in for Christmas and my birthday.

It's a cold, harsh reality...I can't do all it all. There is only so much time, and I want to be good at using it. Organization and time management are not strengths for me. But I can get better at them. The first step is admitting you have a problem :)

When I do good, I feel good

2011-01-11T19:17:00.000-08:00

This past week was very hard. I cried at church. I cried at home. I think that I would not allow myself to feel the trauma of the past year until after the holidays. I needed to give to the people that I love. I would not wallow in pity when there was a Christmas to make magical.

But the pain would not be put off forever. I would have been fine if I didn't go to church :) But I made it to church a week ago and that is where the damn broke. I felt the full force of all that we have been through. And it was hell.

I am thankful for the power of prayer. I am thankful that I am never alone. I needed to do some work on myself. And I know that I have done it because I woke up feeling light and happy. Deep down inside.

The pain is gone. I feel that deep contentment and peace that I was talking about. It is the very best way to know if we are where we need to be.

I have two people who help me each and every day. My husband and my sister Brandi. I can ask them and they will tell me when I am wrong. And they love and support me so much that it doesn't hurt when they tell me I'm wrong. Okay...it doesn't hurt as much :)

I have spent many years of my life being the big sister to Brandi. Now she is in a place where she teaches me. She says wise things and I love it. I love sitting back and learning from her life experiences.

She reminded me that the most important thing in the whole world is what goes on within the walls of my own home. It is good to try and make the world a better place. Until we are so depleted that we have nothing left to give. There is a time to let go of the world's problems and just focus on our own family.

I think I am at that point. I need to let go and stop trying to fix everything I see around me. I need to take time just for myself. My kids require a lot. It is okay to admit that.

Cole's Dr. for ADHD gives out pencils with a quote from Abraham Lincoln--When I do good, I feel good. Guess what?...I feel good.

Humility

2011-01-10T10:14:00.000-08:00

Humility...it is the most beautiful word I know. It isn't fun or easy to have. It only comes from great suffering. I find that I can only hold on to it when things are the very worst. When my soul is in anguish. I don't like to look for it because it means I am going to have to deal with some serious pain. But when I do find it, I know that I am a better person. I know that I am growing and progressing and moving right along on the journey of my life.

I have been praying that I can be shown where I am wrong. And I have seen it. I am so stubborn that it could only come from someone that I love dearly baring their soul to me. And I am humbled by that. Just the fact that there was someone willing to share their pain in an effort to help me. It takes strength to share your pain. And if you want to really touch someone else, you have to be strong but very gentle. People are fragile sometimes.

I have not always been gentle. I know that I was born strong. My mother has told me stories of when I was very young. She said, "You were never afraid." Sometimes you have to be strong and bold. But best results come when there is as much gentleness as possible. Strong is very easy for me. But it's the gentleness that I want to cultivate. I want to nurture it.

To me, that is what it means to be Christlike. It means that I can (to use the popular phrase) hold my own truths, but also let people find theirs. I can't always show them what I really, really want to...because they have the right to find it at their own pace.

That being said, there is a time and a place to hold people accountable. An abused woman could stay and say to herself...don't judge, just accept. In relationships, we do have the right to hold our loved ones accountable for what they do to us. But if we want to have any success at all, we had better be in a very humble place.

A little safety matter

2011-01-07T13:43:00.000-08:00

I made a joke about medicine on facebook. I then made a disclaimer similar to this:

I have been a little smart alec. And too dramatic. It helps me deal with the stress of my life. Medication is to be taken seriously. We have a safe in our home for meds. We have 8 children who are street smart. (I have some good stories. My kids have amazed me and made me laugh.) We are almost always home.

I share my stories because there may be one person who they help. Maybe they will feel less alone reading about another person's struggles. Some people feel I am exploiting my children and others by writing on this blog. I don't write for those people. I write for anyone who feels like life is H-A-R-D (at least some of the time). And I am willing to say with my sharing: My life is awful sometimes. It is not always fun and happy. I don't need to impress you with my success. I measure my success by the ability to feel deep inner contentment and peace.

I have asked my children how they feel about me blogging. They said they are fine with it. I think that means they are emotionally secure. They are all very friendly and love to share. I hope that means that I have taught them that they don't need to fear life's challenges.

I feel deep pain sometimes. But it is up to me what to do with that pain. I can cling to it or I can let it go. I can even take medicine that numbs all of it away. But I don't feel that is what God wants me do. (Should I keep asking? The people who don't like my blog would vote yes I bet.)

I know that it is very frustrating to some people that I express everything I feel. My husband married me for just that reason. He told me he knew he could trust a woman who laid it all out on the line. He would never have to guess what my mood was or try to figure out what would make me happy. I made it very simple for him. I told him what I needed and when I was happy or unhappy.

He still loves that about me after 17 1/2 years.

That is why I say that my marriage is the greatest blessing of my life. I have a husband who knows exactly who and what I am and says...I want that. I am a very lucky woman.

Christmas fun

2011-01-05T00:27:00.000-08:00

Perfection

2011-01-04T23:41:00.000-08:00

This is where I find perfection.
My baby Gabe and my angelic Grandma Dean.

Moving right along

2011-01-04T23:20:00.000-08:00

2010 is over and I can't say I'm sad. This was the hardest year of my life. Tackling the touchy subject of mental illness was not on my list of fun things to do. I recently spent a few days dealing with the grief of it all. Now I am ready to move on.

I want to focus on all of the great things that happened this year:

Clayton is doing awesome! He went from D's and F's to straight A's. He is pleasant to be around and really helps me around here. He has his learner's permit. I love it when Trent takes him driving and I don't have to :) We are grateful that he is back in our home. We knew from the moment he was born that he has a strong spirit. The challenges with bipolar showed us how strong he really is. He is not ashamed and faces his struggles with courage. I couldn't be more proud.

Chandler has hit his rough teen years. One word...testosterone. He is gentle in spirit and even when he has lost control of his temper, we can reason with him easily. This too shall pass. He is such a smart kid and truly loves to learn. He has enjoyed ballroom and Japanese class this year. He also helps me everyday. I love that my boys know how to serve others. I want their wives to like me :)

Cole is doing so much better than I thought he would with jr. high. I was scared. It wasn't just me. We got called to the elementary school all the time for problems. His jr. high counselor told me that she adores him and he visits her often and even writes her cute notes. She gets notice of the kids who have caused a lot of problems and he was one that she was warned about. She told me that she hasn't had any trouble with him at all. Once we figured out that we were dealing with bipolar and got the medicine worked out, things completely turned around. I see him growing and maturing and it gives me so much hope for the future. He loves people and makes friends very easily. He signed up for facebook at a friend's house and that is a whole new adventure!

Savannah is a huge help to me with Gabriel. She loves to mother him and they have a special bond. She started letting him sleep with her when he would wake up at night and he decided that he liked that a lot! I told her that we need to let him get used to the crib again and he is so good natured that it was an easy process. She loves school and gets good grades without mom having to remind her about anything. She also helps with housework and is better at organization than I am. She has a strong will and can be very stubborn like her momma, but her willingness to help out so much saves her from any serious discipline. She knows immediately when she has crossed the line and has uttered the words, "I'll be good" at just the right moment since she was little.

Sabrina is a creative genius. People often notice what she is drawing and tell us how good she is. She loves many different types of art and could happily spend all day creating. She always wants a craft day for a reward. I am so proud of her progress in school. Organization is a challenge, but I have seen lots of progress and growth. She has improved her grades. She is also getting better at cleaning her room. She adds so much fun to our family.

Preston is a great kid. He is usually sweet and happy. He does have a stubborn side that usually shows itself when his anxiety takes over. Trent wondered if we should look at medicine. I told him I can't deal with another child on meds at this point. My goal is to keep every one's dose as low as possible and to really work on behavior as a team. Thankfully, Preston functions really well despite the challenge and I just have to show a little extra patience sometimes. He told me he wrote his Christmas list, which surprised me because my kids don't ask for things. We just surprise them and they have loved it all. I looked at his card and it said, "All I want for Christmas is nothing at all. I just want love in our home." I melted.

Tristan is a sensitive and kind boy. He sometimes acts out using bad behavior he has observed from his brothers and I use that as a chance to remind the boys that they are setting the example. He is looking forward to kindergarten next year. He is my worst eater. He loves sugar and carbs and will not touch a vegetable. He will starve himself and my will breaks down before his. He will just not eat and get tired and fall asleep. I get worried and let him have his ramen or whatever else he will eat. He loves juice and I hope those few vitamins he gets are doing a lot of good. He has tried a few new foods and we rejoice each time. He asks for sugar all day and I have to keep saying no. I hope he outgrows this. But maybe he will be like my sister Brandi who loves sugar with all her heart. She isn't fat and she never gets sick. She got the good genes.

Gabriel has just recovered from a terrible illness. He had an ear infection, was teething and then ended up with a coldsore. He was sick for two weeks and had a fever for days. I am so happy that we get to enjoy one last baby, but I will be glad when we don't have to watch a little one suffer who can't even talk or complain about it. Even when he was really miserable, he would calm down as soon as he was held. He is so very gentle and tender. He is a blessing in every way and we all adore him.

Trent is a good man. We all know that we can count on him to take care of us. He never lets us down or shrugs his duty. A few years ago I went to work so that he wouldn't have to work two jobs. It was my idea. He told me that he wanted me to be home and he wanted to work two jobs to provide for the family. I have so much respect for him. I try to make sure the weekends are as relaxing as possible. The good news is that we are ten years away from retirement. Counting down. I really hope that we get a few years to catch up on the fun things that we have put on hold.

I was so thrilled when all six children got good report cards. I feel like that is my performance evaluation :) I am seeing that the continued effort to help everybody is paying off. I can see progress and growth in every child and it is exciting. We have things to work on as a family, but everyone is helping each other. And a day out doing something fun is usually all it takes to relieve every one's stress.

I also was very happy when my sister Brandi moved 10 min. away. The cousins love to be together and take turns having sleepovers at each other's houses. Brandi will come and get me out of the house when I feel like I need it most. We love all of the same activities and our husbands get along well. We love to play Settlers of Cattan for a cheap date :) They don't plan on moving so we look forward to a lot of good times together.

I am feeling ready for the coming year and know that it will be great. Okay...I don't know but I'm really hoping...

Christmas Decorating 2010

2010-12-20T15:29:00.000-08:00

Trent helped this year. He loves me that much. He has told me before that he won't be participating in my craziness. I think I'm wearing him down!

Thanksgiving 2010

2010-12-20T15:02:00.000-08:00

This beautiful corn was grown by my Uncle Milt and Aunt Cheryl.

Halloween 2010

2010-12-20T14:48:00.000-08:00

Halloween costumes:

Kitchen Update

2010-12-20T14:42:00.000-08:00

Finally...I have a moment to post the photos of the newly painted kitchen cabinets. We got a new piece of furniture on black friday from the thrift store (half off too!), so we have moved furniture around since these were taken. We removed the marble topped cabinet at the end of the bar.

Here is my quick DIY guide: you don't have to sand, use liquid sandpaper (found it at Wal-mart)
we did take the doors off and soaked hinges in ammonia
sprayed hinges with cheap black spray paint
use a foam roller for all furniture or cabinets, the finish comes out really smooth
Target has great knobs that are cheap

It's always the quiet ones

2010-12-08T11:34:00.000-08:00

What I love about my marriage the most: we give each other freedom. I am expressive, passionate, extravagant. And Trent lets me be. Trent is quiet, observant, happy to stay out of "it". And I let him be.

But it's always the quiet ones that say the most profound things when they venture forth an opinion. It's all of that watching and thinking.

My husband is wise and gently reminded me that the craziest behavior of all is to try and reason with mental illness. It can't be done. And sometimes the answer is to walk away.

Hey, one out of two families to celebrate the holidays with isn't bad. Glass half full!

Let people have their own issues

2010-12-06T17:33:00.000-08:00

Christmas is here. I love it all. The decorating, shopping, baking, sending cards, and comfort and weight of tradition. I don't feel like it takes away from Jesus. I feel like I show my love for Him by thinking of others and doing things to show them that I love them. I see joy in the children's faces as we pull out the decorations and follow our traditions.

There is usually some drama going on in our families. I am trying to do everything I can to be in a healthy place emotionally so that I can feel love for others. When I write on this blog, I am looking to take the hard, difficult things in my life and find positive solutions.

I am hosting the Christmas party for my family. If you remember, that was the party I said I would not be attending. Trent has felt many times like taking a really big break from family. I won't let him :) I have told him that we are here to learn. We are here to figure out how to love each other. I have seen some amazing things happen within my family because I didn't walk away. It was very nice to hear that everyone (with the exception of one person...who I'm still working on) was excited to get together.

When I was younger, I would go to family events (on both sides of our families) and come home angry and frustrated for days. It isn't like that anymore. I can be around everyone and enjoy them. I don't always agree with them and they often disapprove of the way I do things, but it's okay. We don't have to be the same to be friends. The bigger revelation to me is that I can be around them even if they can't stand me!

When I found out that someone from one of our families reported us for child maltreatment, I was hurt and felt the need to protect my family by avoiding everyone. But in retrospect, it was the best thing to happen. One of the biggest fears a parent can have is that someone will report them to the state. Well...it happened, we faced it and it turned out fine. We received validation from the social worker. It doesn't matter who called the state.

I deal with my feelings openly and honestly and then I move on. I don't carry around the anger and frustration anymore. I have learned that sometimes people just have their own issues. They need to work through them at their own pace. The truth is that we can't control anyone else. So the only answer that makes sense to me is: we have to like ourselves enough that it's okay if anyone else hates us, misunderstands us, judges us unfairly, thinks we aren't smart enough, etc.

I look forward to a holiday full of joy . I will enjoy every opportunity to feel Christ's love.

P.S. I keep forgetting to update that Trent's brother is in jail and being forcibly medicated. It has brought us a great amount of peace. We love him and want him to receive the help that he needs.

Giving Thanks

2010-11-25T09:43:00.000-08:00

I love this holiday. I have much to be thankful for. My husband, my children, Jesus Christ and His atonement, my loving Heavenly Father, my home, my creativity, modern conveniences :) etc., etc. The list doesn't end.

I will post pictures of the kitchen next week. There's something to be grateful for. I can paint my kitchen cabinets when I can't afford to remodel and it changes the whole feel of my kitchen. An upgrade for sure.

I have decided to post quotes a bit more randomly. I have found the perfect quote to go with that idea, lol. It actually sums me up so very well.

There are no rules here. We're trying to accomplish something.
Thomas Edison

I hope you have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Life is Heavy Sometimes

2010-11-23T19:08:00.000-08:00

I think it's an unwritten rule for our home...if all heck is breaking loose...the doorbell will ring. Of course, if it is really bad it usually happens to be the bishop. Nothing better than to have our church leader there to witness all of the family harmony. I was comforted in a sick way when I was at my sister's house helping with a crisis and the doorbell rang. Yep...all three members of their new bishopric all dressed up in suits.

In all seriousness, I have had a little pity party today. I cried. That usually only happens a few times a year. (unless you count fast and testimony meeting at church...where I can pour my heart and soul out without a thought of who might use it against me...that is the power of God) The last time was when I found out that Clayton was coming home. I should take a cue from how well that turned out and start being happy now. There is always hope.

I am having a pretty bad colitis flare. A flare always develops in stages and I happen to be in the middle of a bad one. My constant companions are pain, internal bleeding, and exhaustion. I wish that I could be strong enough to stay positive. I try to never ask God why. I do trust that every trial is for my benefit. But I will admit that it is hard to watch my children getting aggressive and loud and not wonder why God would give me children who need so much attention while I am weak from this illness.

I have to cling to the little victories and block out the big picture. Right now Savannah is cleaning the kitchen. I am too tired to force children to do their chores and she can see it. She started working on her own. Preston wanted to go play without doing his jobs. I told him no and he started into one of his incredible temper tantrums. I told him I was too tired to fight and he could make his decision to obey or run off but that I needed him to settle down. He stomped off to go pick up the basement :)

On top of trying to find the strength to manage my own home, the holidays are here. It can take a great deal of mental strength and charity to be with our extended families. I am ashamed to say that last night I let my Achille's heel...the need to defend myself...get the best of me. I resorted to petty insults. I know that I am better than that, but being around my childhood family brings out all of the old family patterns. I become "the trouble maker". It is a role I am tired of.

I should have remembered my horoscope. Good Mormon girls don't read their horoscopes. I can't resist checking mine in the Sunday paper. It said to keep my thoughts to myself. Why, oh, why can't I be more obedient?

When discussing this with another family member, the question was asked, "Why does God do this to us? Why put us all together when it is so difficult?" Seriously, there are people in almost everyone's family who we would never choose to be our friends, or spend any time with if we didn't have to because of a family bond. But the answer that I have found today is that family is there to show us how far we have to go, and it is important enough to give us the motivation to find our way.

All things work together for our good

2010-11-18T18:21:00.000-08:00

I found out today that a friend's sister has passed away. Darci told me a while ago about her dear sister and how she was struggling with cancer. She had to have many people help care for her family as she got sicker. It is hard to be a mom and let others help take care of your children.

I am so sad for this little family. No matter how much help there is, a mother can't be replaced. I know their faith is strong and they will survive, but they will have to endure the pain. I will add my prayers for their strength because that is the best thing I can do.

Now how do you want to do this?

2010-11-08T22:40:00.000-08:00

If you are paying attention, you can learn some lessons the easy way. I watched my parent's troubled relationship and knew that I couldn't do it that way. I trusted in my Heavenly Father when I was told that marrying Trent would be a good thing. I had my doubts. I was very young. If I was choosing on my own, I would of probably gone for someone who was more charismatic. Trent was very quiet back then and never an attention getter. He was "the nice guy".

As soon as we were married I knew that he was my perfect match. My soul knew. It isn't always easy. Life wears us both down. Date night is sacred. We won't let anything come before our relationship.

Trent talked to his parents today. They have accepted that Trent's brother needs some serious help. They are saying that he won't be able to live with them again. I hope and pray that their resolve stays firm. Sometimes we just have to learn our lessons the hard way.

I speak from experience. I know I am a stubborn woman. God gave me 6 boys to raise. My Grandma Dean used to say, "There is a special place in Heaven for a woman who raises 3 boys in a row. What one doesn't think of, another one will." (My father was one of her 3 boys in a row...the hardest one...the stories are hilarious...and awful) I am so stubborn and difficult that God gave me two sets!

I am so stubborn that even that wasn't enough. I needed to raise special needs kids. And to top it all off...I needed an autoimmune disease to deal with for the rest of my life. I am trying to be humble and teachable...because I know that I can either learn my lessons the easy way or the hard way.

How's this for drama?

2010-11-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

Trent's family made the news.

Here are the facts that I feel are appropriate to share:

The Alpine man was Trent's brother.

He has been diagnosed with bipolar, but we (Trent and I) think he has schizophrenia.

He went off his medicine a few months ago because he was worried about a side effect.

Trent's parents (whom I love dearly...they are very good people) try to protect him and supported him going off the medicine. They have let him live with them several times. (They have been out of town dealing with another family emergency and have to come home to a demolished home...Trent and his brothers cleaned up as well as they could.)

Trent and I don't agree with how they deal with him.

I share this whole incident for a purpose. I have two sons who have mental illness. Mental illness runs in the family and they share these genes. I will do everything in my power to prevent something like this from happening to my family.

Many people disagreed with me when I publicly announced that Clayton and Cole had bipolar. But I did it for a reason. In talking to several doctors, the thing that I was told over and over again was that adults with mental illness want to go off their medicine. It is the lifelong challenge for both mentally ill people and their families. I want to teach my sons that having mental illness isn't shameful...refusing to deal with it is. Trent has spent a long time trying to help his parents understand that they aren't helping his brother by sheltering him from consequences. It has concerned us that they have let him make lots of choices, but then have taken all the consequences away from him when he feels like he can't cope.

Seeing two of my sons in manic episodes was the most terrifying thing I have had to deal with. Mental illness is awful. But we are blessed to have modern medicine. I want my sons to understand that the medicine is a wonderful thing and that when their illness is properly treated they can do amazing things with their lives. I see it happening already.

Monk (or part two of Trent's unique talents)

2010-10-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

Trent and I used to have a lot more free time. The children are worth the sacrifice. They will grow up :) and we will have time again. The great news is that we can save lots of money during retirement because instead of travelling the world, we are looking forward to time in our offices to create.

I knew Trent was different when we were dating and I found out that he studied Egyptian hieroglyphics for fun. He also created his own language. That turned out to be very useful when he won a grant and taught high school kids to create their own languages (the goal being that in creating their own language they would gain a better grasp of the English language.) His linguistics professor from BYU liked him so much that she asked him to be a guest teacher for her class several times.

Let's just say Trent is very smart. My favorite thing about him is that he never looks down on those of us with less intelligence (i.e. ME). He is humble. I love it when he says something like, "Do I use big words? People at work tell me I use big words."

He spent many years learning about calligraphy. When our family was small he would spend his free time designing layouts. My step-mother has always said he could of been a monk of ancient times...living a quiet life studying the art form. His response..."I couldn't be celibate." lol. And yet he insists that if I die, he will not remarry. He says I am the only woman he wants. Different is good in my book.

Some of these were done as gifts and some were done as commissions. He has always filled notebooks with things that don't make any sense to me, but they make me smile.

Words to Live By

2010-10-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'll ever get tired of finding great quotes. All that wisdom...a chance to stop and ponder...what's not to love?

My husband is an artist (he just does it for love...no money involved). He deals with computers and people and stress all day. When he comes home, all he wants is time in his office to create. He makes beautiful leather bound books completely by hand. (He has taken apart our leather furniture after the kids destroyed it and saved all the leather. He is always on the lookout for more, he even has taken apart old coats. He hates seeing the leather furniture in the dumpster at our local thrift shop...he asked if he could take it out and they said no.) He spends a month or more of little bits of free time making them. And then he gives them away. His favorite co-workers have received one. My sister, her husband, and my step-mom all have one. Now it's my turn and he said mine will be the best yet :) His technique is getting better. Maybe I will fill it with beautiful quotes...

Many things in life will catch your eye, only a few will catch your heart...pursue those.
Michael Nolan

(This might be my favorite quote of all.)

Are you in the mood to listen?

2010-10-14T16:46:00.000-07:00

Regarding the LDS Church and Gays:

Many Mormons are feeling the heat these days. Difficult questions are out there. And as complex as the questions and answers can get...I think there is beauty in simple answers.

Because CJane is a rather well known Mormon blogger she was asked to give a representative answer. She wrote about her understanding and experiences. That is all any of us bloggers can do really.

I read through all 402 comments (at last count). These are the comments that touched me:

Queen Scarlett said...

This line:

"And I need to be humble enough to receive it."

Thank you for that line.

Everything we are, everything we have, everything we know ...is at the mercy of God. Humility to follow Him is not an easy path. It is however, the most worthwhile path.

Eliza said...

Great post and I completely agree. God does not change--we are the ones who do, and we as citizens of the earth and as members of the LDS Church are ready for different things at different times. I love the article by Elder Holland. I want to send it to everyone who mistakenly says things like "Mormons are encouraged to disown family members who come out of the closet." I totally read that on a forum yesterday. Where are people getting their info?

Only one other person here mentioned the biography David O. McKay and the Rise of Modern Mormonism. Supremely fascinating stuff and based on his personal papers kept by his personal secretary. (McKay was the president of the LDS Church from 1951 until his death in 1970.) I recommend it to anyone wanting to know more about how the modern organization of the LDS Church came to be. I think some people might be shocked at some of the stuff said and condoned by general authorities back then. Or maybe not (especially if they were around in the '60s). The historical withholding of the priesthood from black men is explored honestly and unflinchingly in the book. Not flattering but to me, gratifying.

My husband and I were just talking about how the LDS church gets flak for what its leaders have said precisely because we have kept such accessible records. Brigham Young said some crazy-sounding stuff. No doubt not much crazier than any other church leader in the 1870s. Same with the midcentury leaders of the Church.

This is a cultural thing and a matter of principle. I don't see either the issue of opening the priesthood to all worthy men, or the issue of legalizing gay marriage, as doctrinal. But both are cultural and the marriage thing has to do with principle, on both sides of the debate.

In the past few days I have spent probably way too much time reading some truly vitriolic stuff online about this topic. It made me wonder, who am I passing in the grocery store who would throw stones at me if they knew I was Mormon?

I don't know why I was so surprised about the hubbub of Pres Packer's talk. To me it sounded like the same old stuff from him--tamer than usual, actually, since he is known for being very bold and very conservative. But, it is such a divisive issue and many people feel very, very hurt by LDS involvement in Prop 8. So I shouldn't be surprised that anything on the topic would be flagged.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect. The people who lead the Church, maybe not always so perfect. I still sustain them because I know the gospel is true and because it is so much more than this issue.

I have heard cases made by Prop 8 supporters that, for instance, legal gay marriage might pose a threat to the existence of church-owned groups like LDS Family Services whose sole purpose is to place babies with LDS couples. I can see that point. However it is still a stretch. I am a firm believer in the separation of Church and state. I'm also not a Californian so I didn't vote on this and I wasn't asked to.

I don't condone sex outside of marriage between a man and a woman but I also don't see gay marriage as any kind of threat to me or to my church. If I were commanded by the prophet to vote "yes," I would have. I'm pretty sure no one was commanded to though. I think if I had been asked to vote yes, I still would have voted no because that's being true to me. Either way if presented with a ballot I would have to put some serious, serious thought and prayer into it.

Ultimately this is not an issue of equal rights. I just don't think it is. I see it as another step toward cultural acceptance, much like "living together" was not culturally acceptable a few decades ago but it is now. Anything that could produce such hurt and such hate has to be more than rights--it is an issue of where someone sees himself in society--loved or not. Accepted or not. I am sorry that so many people, gay or not, religious or not, are so hurt by this issue.

Sorry for the novel!!

J. Watts said...

A member's response to Laura who said: "I genuinely would like an answer to this from a member - have you never considered it ridiculous that Joseph Smith recited your book out of a hat?"

Of course it was ridiculous. That's what makes it miraculous.

It would be impossible for a fourteen-year-old boy to write/recite 550+ pages of scripture, incorporating more new words than Shakespeare while cross-referencing and responding to the Bible, if he weren't inspired.

Momof5 said...

Very well put. Such an amazing collaboration! Kudos to the both of you for your kind words. God calls us to love. End of story. God's got the rest, not us. I love Miss Leigh's comment about our hearts and God will work out their salvation between he and them. Yes, it is our responsibility and our calling to be disciples of Christ and witness to the ends of the earth, through the loving ways Christ has impacted OUR lives. The hope in him. We can only witness to what we have experienced and share our stories and the Good News. Once they know about Christ it's now their relationship to Him that encourages change, as it was in all of us.

Again, way to go Mrs. Kendrick! I hope this earned you some wooing points with Chup!

My very favorite of all the comments is this one:

Anonymous said...

I think the problems Mormons often have is that we want too badly to be nice. We want to be loving and open-minded. We really, truly feel that we are ... but unfortunately, sometimes we can't be sweet about sin. And we do consider homosexuality to be a sin. That's not something we can deny. If we do, we should probably find a new church and join their choir.

So it sucks ... do we be the mean guys? If we oppose homosexuality, are we encouraging the suicides of gay teens? If we embrace homosexuality, are we defying God and His leaders? Is there a middle ground?

I think there is, but I don't think most of society will allow it. They refuse to let us love everyone without embracing it all. They see hate where we just see obedience.

I can only share my personal experience and why I am a member of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have received a witness (personal revelation) that it is true. I feel the power of it everday in my life. I am happy and at peace...even when things are hard. I attribute that peace to my faith.

Here is where I am going to be very honest: going to church is hard for me sometimes. Living in my neighborhood is hard sometimes. There are high standards and people do hold up measuring sticks. I just have to choose to ignore the judgement whenever I feel it. I don't go to church to impress any of my neighbors. I go to build my relationship with my Heavenly Father. And my neighbors' judgement does not help me to change...only God can do that. (just to be clear...not everyone who is a Mormon judges...not all of my neighbors judge...and even the ones that do...I try to learn something from the good in them (although it can be very annoying ;)

I'm following through

2010-10-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

I have mentioned that I would post pictures from our family vacation. I also have promised bathroom cabinet pictures. Well...it is so easy for me to make fun plans...follow through is a little harder sometimes. I'm working on it.

One of the biggest challenges I face is lack of energy even when I have lots of enthusiasm. My colitis is in remission (a very big blessing), but whatever went wrong with my immune system in the first place seems to have a lasting effect. I find that I pick up illnesses easily and they last a lot longer for me than everyone else in the family. As soon as school started, we had a cold that hit some of the kids. It turned into a sinus infection and bronchitis for me just as everyone else was getting better. I don't feel sorry for myself. It just means that I have to adjust my priorities. I know that I am going to be tired and I have to use my time wisely.

I think that what I have going for me is that I don't give up. Sometimes I put things on hold, but I try to revisit them eventually :) So...here is my follow through!

We took the kids to the Utah Field House Museum. We also took everyone out to eat. That probably only happens once or twice a year. (We take them out alone for special days.) We get lots of attention when we are all together, but it is surprising how much of it is positive. People love to tell us that they came from big families and how much they loved it.

I think I am going to do some posts about our big family lifestyle. I watch 19 Kids and Counting on TLC and love it. They are good people who teach their children to love and serve God and others. I am glad that I don't have to wear a skirt everday...and I would miss fun music (they only listen to hymns and they don't dance), but it is always interesting to see how hard they work and all of the good things they do. The thought that I always have when watching is...money makes it a lot easier (lol). I envy their industrial kitchen with a dishwasher that does a full load in 3 minutes and their room full of washers and dryers. I only have a few children by comparison, but it does take some work to keep them fed, dressed, taught and loved.

Oh...and my bathroom is 90% finished. It would only take me a day to finish it. When I make myself do it...I will post pictures :)

(Trent would not like this photo of himself published...good thing he only reads my blog when I ask him to...hahahaha.) Also, Preston was hiding from the camera.

Notes: I let the kids pack their own clothes...love Cole's double plaid outfit. Sabrina loves turtles and has collected them for years...she was so excited when she saw this turtle. We stayed two days in a cabin, went to the museum, and out to dinner for under $300. Not bad...huh :)

Because blogging should be fun (Words to Live By)

2010-10-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't noticed...my Words to Live By are not always on schedule. I love blogging. It is something that soothes my soul and helps me to cope with the ups, downs, and everything else that this life throws at me. I write for me. Maybe that is selfish. But it wouldn't be fun to me if I had to worry about what would appeal to others.

As I've said before, I hope that anyone who does read takes away positive thoughts and feelings. Because that is what I'm looking for. A loved one recently made the comment, "Sometimes I can't believe what you write about." I'm pretty sure that is a common thought :) But I want to tackle the hard stuff so that I can wrestle with it and then...overcome.

So I don't worry if my blog is on schedule, or that it doesn't have enough pretty pictures. I don't worry about having advertisers or lots of readers. I live life first...and then blog about it. I want blogging to remain fun.

"One person with passion is better than forty people merely interested."
E. M. Forster

"It's the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires. It must abandon itself to its master passion."
Rebecca West

"They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. "
Carl W. Buechner

Words to Live By

2010-10-02T14:11:00.000-07:00

Eccentric doesn't bother me. 'Eccentric' being a poetic interpretation of a mathematical term meaning something that doesn't follow the lines - that's okay.
Crispin Glover

There is all the difference in the world between departure from recognized rules by one who has learned to obey them, and neglect of them through want of training or want of skill or want of understanding. Before you can be eccentric you must know where the circle is.

Ellen Terry

What I want: to be different only if it has a good purpose or helps me to accomplish something positive. The idea that we should all do our own thing is a very popular idea in the media. It is true that in order to be successful we have to have confindence in ourselves. We have to be willing to stand up for our values even if others reject them. But anarchy is not a good thing. I think safety lies in checking motive.

Words to Live By

2010-09-23T13:13:00.000-07:00

If I were a truly organized person: I would blog about how I've been trying to organize my whole house. I would include photos and tips. But I am so worn out from doing it that I don't want to document it all, lol. I have been letting go. I am creative and my mind is always spinning with ideas. Ideas of how to decorate, craft, bake. But then the reality of caring for 8 children hits me :) I want time to enjoy my children and just talk and play with them. I want to keep things slow and simple as much as possible.

Clayton and Cole are both doing very well. They are both balanced and happy and that helps our entire family to function better. We are having fun together. What is funny is that Clayton and Cole have been the worst of enemies (think oil and water) and on their correct meds they are great friends. I love seeing them enjoying each other.

I have been thinking about light. My brother in law is a painter. You can google his work: Seth Winegar. He has given us some paintings and sold us some (at a very generous discount...I also have promised free hair cuts and babysitting for life ;) A good painting is all about light. Just like a truly beautiful person shines.

We all walk in the dark and each of us must learn to turn on his or her own light.
Earl Nightingale

Get correct views of life, and learn to see the world in its true light. It will enable you to live pleasantly, to do good, and, when summoned away, to leave without regret.
Robert E. Lee

The art of art, the glory of expression and the sunshine of the light of letters, is simplicity.
Walt Whitman

Words to Live By

2010-09-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

“Humility is the only certain defense against humiliation”
Anonymous

“Humility is the foundation of all the other virtues hence, in the soul in which this virtue does not exist there cannot be any other virtue except in mere appearance.”
Saint Augustine quotes

“What makes humility so desirable is the marvelous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God”
Monica Baldwin quotes

Humility is the key to happiness. Good thing I have the opportunity to be humbled on a daily basis ;)

Because I have a wicked side...

2010-09-04T23:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week. LONG. I am still trying to process it all. Hopefully this post will help me find some closure for some of the difficult feelings I have been dealing with. I am ready to move on.

Both Trent and I come from families with issues. I know, I know...we don't have the market cornered and feeling sorry for ourselves doesn't accomplish anything. But it gets old.

On facebook, this comment was left by a family member on my husband's side:

Aubrey. There is a point where exposing family issues is really betrayal at the deepest level and becomes extremely destructive. How can you expect a good relationship when you betray their trust and belittling them so publicly. You may have done more damage to your relationship with Clayton than can be repaired. Parents should not only guide, but protect. Do you talk negatively about your children to get attention for yourself, or to get people to either say "Poor Aubrey" or "Oh no, you have wonderful children" which both are only looking for validation for yourself. You may need to really examine your motives. This sort of betrayal of his TRUST. Without trust, you have NO relationship. We all have challenges with our children, but making an issue of their good qualities goes much further and is much healthier than casing a microscopic view of their faults. By doing so, YOU create many more problems than would otherwise be there. In a way it cripples your children on many levels. Please give this some prayer, soul searching, and introspection.

Now a scathing comment questioning my motives and relationship with my son (whom this person hasn't even talked to about any of this...just assumed) was not enough. This person also had to call my husband at work to chew him out about his out of control wife. His mother also got a call so she could get good and worked up.

All I have to say in reply is this: Can you guess which side of the family the mental illness comes from?
Oh, and it brought to mind the David post on The Meanest Mom. (some of the best comments ever)

We also are 99% sure that the call to DCFS came from one of my mother's siblings. We asked what the complaints were and the information had to come from family. Can you guess who won't be attending this year's Christmas party? (edited to add: we were wrong, it came from the other side of the family)

I have no desire to "air dirty laundry" just to tick the entire family off. I am interested in making positive changes so that my children can have something better. I am an idealist. I believe that it can get better for them and for their children.

My sister shared this observation a few years ago. She told me that when we were young I was "loud". I had a lot of opinions and I felt the need to share them. Because of that I was always in trouble. She told me she watched me and learned really quick how to fly under the radar. She never tries to reform the system.

I can't tell you how many times I have wondered why I couldn't of just been born with a meek, obedient, quiet personality. Feeling things so deeply, caring so much, and trying to make big changes isn't the easiest way to go through life. But I don't seem to be able to stop myself. Sometimes I wish I could...

There's medicine for that

2010-09-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a very hard post to write. I want to get it right. I want to increase understanding...not confusion. We have had some big changes in our home. Clayton is back at home and the story has a very happy ending. But there's lots of drama in the middle.

It all started when I went to pick up Clayton from my grandparents to buy him school clothes. He was so angry, and emotional and not really making sense. I talked to my grandparents. I told them I was worried he was unstable. They agreed. But I wondered if it was just me. Clayton and I have always struggled because we both like to be in charge. I just happen to think that I should be because I am the parent. We agreed to watch him for a week or two and see where he was at after being back in their home.

He did better for a few weeks. Then school started. He has done football all summer and also signed up for a lot of AP classes. (Keep in mind that he had lots of F's and D's last year.)   He didn't want to do homework. When my grandparents tried to get him to start, he fell apart. He said he couldn't understand any of it. He also had some very extreme behavior in football. One minute he said he loved it and the next he hated it and it was too much pressure. My grandma said that it was obvious that something was wrong and she was worried about him fitting in socially. He was angry and irrational. He kept saying that he couldn't sleep for days at a time and that his whole body hurt. He was filling pages with writing that didn't make sense.

My grandparents and I decided to try the medicine that Cole was on with Clayton. We saw Cole's wonderful Dr. who agreed that it was the right thing to do. I had talked with Clayton's pediatrician before and mentioned that I was pretty sure he had Oppositional Defiant Disorder (an actual diagnosis). He told me that they way they treated that was with behavior therapy and counseling (we had been doing both) and that meds were a last resort. I knew that we were ready for the last resort. I did some research and found that risperidone is used for ODD (as well as bipolar mania, OCD, and anger.)

I got a call from my sister informing me that my grandma was very torn. She didn't feel like they could keep him in their home but they didn't want him to come home and be in trouble. She was very worried that we would be too strict with him.

I talked to my grandpa and told him that I was sending Trent down to get Clayton. I had told my grandparents all along that I would not "dump" Clayton on them and walk away. If it got to be too much I would have him come home.  We did not send him down there to give up our responsibility as parents. We wanted to give him a fresh start to succeed.

I sobbed. I prayed. I felt the weight of the world falling down on my shoulders again. My whole body ached. We had made such good progress with the other kids without all of the emotional stress of having Clayton in our home. I felt bad for them and frustrated with Clayton.

Luckily this all happened on a weekend. Trent was able to be home or I don't think we would of made it. Clayton was completely out of control. After seeing his behavior I had the realization that we were dealing with bipolar mania.

I had a total shift in thinking. (to use the cliche: a light bulb moment) I understood. I UNDERSTOOD. This wasn't Clayton. This was mental illness. He had no control over himself. I felt guilt. I looked back over the past four years and knew that it had all started at puberty. The patterns of behavior...not being able to sleep for days, extreme mood swings, trying to be perfect and then giving up completely. The hundreds of hours of talking to Clayton (from mom, dad, grandparents) that never seemed to be enough. Being a straight A student until Jr. High and then having grades all over the place. The constant turmoil in our home.

I talked to two different crisis workers from the ER who told me that he should be committed to the psych ward after hearing about the behavior. I made an appointment with his Dr. to see if we could have a sedative or something to help without being put in the hospital.

We got in right away to see the Dr. and he felt that we should probably put Clayton in the psych ward. I asked him for a day or two more before we got to that. I have seen a lot of doctors in my lifetime...either for me or my children. The good ones admit they don't have all the answers. They listen and work with you. They know to trust a mother's instinct. He agreed to let us decide what we could handle on our own.

By the next day I was seeing progress. The medicine was starting to work. He was still pretty wound up, but able to communicate where he was at and he was trying very hard to listen to us. He really wanted to see his friends and get out of the house. I let him go to the pool with Cole.

We decided to put him back into school the next day. Trent was worried that he wasn't ready. I talked to the Dr. and he agreed that we could try school. Trent and Clayton talked to the counselors and decided on a simple schedule.

So far, things just continue to improve. I was able to have a conversation with my son and connect for the first time in a long time. He is sweet, kind, loving and good. We have always seen that in him...it would just get lost in the awful behavior that mental illness causes.

Okay...just as I was finishing this up...the doorbell rang. It was Division of Child and Family Services. They had received an anonymous phone call claiming that Clayton was being mistreated and suffering emotional abuse. I had put a quick status update on facebook stating that we were happy to finally have an answer, Clayton was back home and on bipolar meds. My reasoning...I wasn't up to telling people over and over and wanted to get the information out quickly to people who know our family. I have 200 facebook friends...most of them are family, friends, and a few people that I went to high school with. I think of them as my friends.

My status update angered some people. They felt that I shouldn't have put information like that out so publicly. (Do they know me at all? ;) I wrote that I was grateful to know that the horrible things we have been dealing with for 4 years had a cause and one that could be treated and helped. I am not embarrassed or ashamed that my children have to deal with mental illness and/or ADHD. I want to teach them to be proud of who they are.  Most people who commented were kind and supportive and a profound comment was made that having mental illness is just like diabetes or poor vision. It is an illness that needs to be treated and dealt with and there should be no shame. Clayton said he was fine with the post and he knows how much we love him. He said he had a teacher who told the kids that he has bipolar and takes medicine and it is okay.

I explained EVERYTHING to DCFS and told them I have nothing to hide. It has been a rough few years, but we have tried to deal with things in the best way we know how. One of the great things about being such a open person is that there are lots of people that have been involved and they can talk to anyone of them to verify. We have looked for help and answers in many places and have never tried to ignore what was going on. The woman in charge from DCFS talked to Trent, Clayton and I and then looked around the house. Clayton told her he thinks we are the very best parents for him. He knows we just want to help him and that we love him. She said she did not have any concerns about our home. There is a positive to all of this. For seven years, it will be on record that they have come to investigate and if any more calls come in they won't get involved.

Once again...I am having the internal dialog about being so open. I want to protect my children. But what is the best way to do that? If Clayon's teacher was most concerned with protecting his image...my son would not have been able to take comfort in the example. Sharing can be a service to others. I know that my comfort level with sharing is way beyond other people's but there has to be some purpose to being born with this very open personality. (I have been this way since birth, much to my family's dismay at times.)

The social worker may have given me the best answer. She told me that she has been doing her job for 6 years now and has learned that eventually...the truth comes out. Secrets aren't healthy.

Clayton read through this entire post and said he is okay with me sharing his experience. Hopefully that is the start to a lifelong attitude of confidence about who he is and overcoming life's challenges.

The simple life

2010-08-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

I am here. Still here. I just haven't had time to blog about life because I have been too busy living it. I have decided that the end of summer vacation is like the end of a pregnancy for me. LONG. I have 5 busy boys and 2 girls who are getting louder by the day...and school is my welcome relief.

I could never be a homeschooling momma. That being said, I think there are some great things about it. You have so much control. I also kind of wish that I could do the no TV lifestyle. Sometimes I dream of a world where my kids haven't been exposed to Disney Channel (and the accompanying sassiness) or to ideas such as Barbie is no longer cool when you are a 9 year old girl (most toys are off-limits by the fourth grade). But alas...I know my limits. And the truth is that a summer is about all I can handle of my children home 24/7.

I did make it a month and a half before I started longing for school to start. And I am very proud of that fact.

We tried to be adventurous for our family vacation this year. We took all the kids to a cabin in Ashley National Forest outside of Vernal. We got our adventure all right. We had directions, but the signs were not clear so we decided to try (for the first time) putting GPS coordinates in our Garmin. Hhmmm...BAD IDEA. It sent us down an "unpaved road" (actual words on the top of the GPS screen) that turned into a four-wheeling road. In our bottomed out mini-van. The ruts were about a foot deep. Trent is a smart driver and did very well considering. Why, you might ask yourself, didn't we turn around? Well, when we came to the point of foot high rocks in the road next to the foot deep ruts, we decided we'd better. Which meant backing out. The sides of our van have pretty new designs made by the tree branches. We winced each and every time the bottom of the van slammed into the ground. All the while...kids in back having panic attacks.

Fun times.

We finally made our way back to the paved road (at this point I am trying not to do mental estimates of the cost of repairs to the van)

It was getting dark and we were in the middle of nowhere. We went back to the spot Trent had thought we should turn at. Lesson learned...technology has it's limits.

We found our way and everyone was thrilled to have a safe place to sleep. The cabin is owned by the Forest Service and only cost $40 a night. (it had a shower, toilet, fridge, oven and stove, and a sink) It was built in the 30's and smelled old. It helped a lot when we opened all the windows and lit scented candles.

We played games, cooked good food, did pedicures, read and talked. The best part was that the kids could run around and make all the noise they wanted because no one was around us. (freedom for the adults and kids)

Everything was fine until we realized the the van wouldn't start. We had the left the GPS plugged in all night and there is an added possibility that one of the kids left a light on or a door open. Trent had packed flip flops and one pair of shoes. When he pulled them out to put them on he noticed that he had two left-footed shoes. So good man that he is, he put his two left-footed shoes on and hiked 10 miles. He called our insurance for auto assistance. The man got lost, lol. (All the while...I am in the cabin and Preston (who struggles with anxiety) has a full blown panic attack. I had to medicate him with a sleeping pill. He wanted to know what my plans were for my life without a husband.) Trent finally found a guy in a truck who was hunting bear. "Oh yeah, they have been seen all over this year," the nice guy informs Trent. "They gave us special permits." Um...great.

Nice guy gives Trent a ride back to the cabin and jump starts the van. Trent then left us to make the 30 min. drive to town to go to Wal-mart to buy a car battery. The best part...Trent's parents gave us a car charger for Christmas one year. We needed a drill and thought we would never need the charger since we have the auto assistance. Well, the auto assistance only works for you if they can find you. So Trent bought back the car charger.

We got to enjoy one trouble free night. Which leads me into my Words to Live By for the week:

The trouble with simple living is that, though it can be joyful, rich, and creative, it isn't simple. ~Doris Janzen Longacre

Trust me on this one...taking 9 people on vacation on a tight budget is anything but simple :)
We also visited the Utah Field House Musuem and took all the kids to a fun Mexican restaurant. More pictures in the next post.

Words to Live By

2010-08-13T18:53:00.000-07:00

Making the simple complicated is commonplace;
making the complicated simple,
awesomely simple, that's creativity.
- Charles Mingus

Words to Live By

2010-08-01T11:48:00.000-07:00

I think I began learning long ago that those who are happiest are those who do the most for others.
— Booker T. Washington

Be happy. Talk happiness. Happiness calls out responsive gladness in others. There is enough sadness in the world without yours.... never doubt the excellence and permanence of what is yet to be. Join the great company of those who make the barren places of life fruitful with kindness.... Your success and happiness lie in you.... The great enduring realities are love and service.... Resolve to keep happy and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.
— Helen Keller

Sunshine

2010-07-31T00:52:00.000-07:00

Sabrina is sunshine and happiness. She is crazy, fun, playful, animated and totally lovable. We do special days with each of the kids so that they can have the attention that they need. Sabrina and I went to a beauty school for her day. She got a manicure while I got a pedicure (I even had a free coupon :) and then I got a hair cut while she got her hair styled. She picked her style out of the book and it fit her perfectly. Savannah said it was great for Sabrina but when she went she would do something a little more conservative, lol.

Words to Live By

2010-07-21T00:05:00.000-07:00

If you smile when no one is around you really mean it.
anonymous

Not only do I smile when I'm by myself, I laugh to myself when I write. Even if no one else thinks I'm funny, it makes me feel great. Nothing crazy about that, right ;)

Words to Live By

2010-07-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

Edison failed 10, 000 times before he made the electric light. Do not be discouraged if you fail a few times.
Napoleon Hill

Where's the fun in instant success all the time? Life is interesting when we have to really fight for it.

Oh My

2010-07-07T14:16:00.000-07:00

I am feeling thankful for my small blog right now. My humble blog that has so few readers that I can pretty much write whatever I want and no one cares, lol. As mentioned before, you probably know me if you read this blog and know that I have good intentions. I make all kinds of a fool of myself all the time. My filter is broken. I don't guard myself. (a friend told me I was guileless...she put sweetest with it as in "You are the sweetest, most guileless person I know"...so it was all good ;)

I spent too much time reading CJane's blog post and the 200 something comments that followed. Wow. She made some people mad. When I read it the first time I just thought that I am too tired to care about trendy clothes and make-up. I found it mildly amusing. No big deal.

And then I read the next post and a few comments and there was mention of the previous mean comments and I went back to look.

It was a very polarizing post for the commenters. You had people who loved the honesty and laughed. You had people who felt she was materialistic and unkind. Then the commenters started debating points back and forth. Some readers told her they would not be back.

Wow. I read and thought about all of the comments. (I should be cleaning my house...but what's the point with the kids here all day) I thought both sides of the debate had some great points. I am idealistic and want to believe that everybody can be friends. I know that isn't how our world works...I just wish it did. One of the points that I liked the best was about Elizabeth Smart. Her family just wanted to help out someone and ended up endangering their child. We live in a dangerous world and we have to be cautious. Especially with our children. But we also can't shut down because of fear. We have to keep trying to make the world better and reach out when we can.

I can see how some people felt CJane is a little sheltered. She was blessed to be born into an amazing family. Most of the women and men I go to church with fit that description. I can't always relate when they share their experiences, and I know they can't always relate when I share mine. But I know that we are at church because we are trying to be better people and that is enough.

My Aunt Karen does not go to church. She does care about being a good person and helping others. She volunteers with a few different organizations. She helps the homeless. She didn't have any children by choice. She has told me that she knows that she has to find ways to serve others so she doesn't become very selfish. I love that about her.

I like simplicity (I know that sounds funny coming from a woman with 8 kids, but we cut out a lot of the extra stuff so that we can enjoy raising them). CJane is good. That is my view.

Unintended consequences

2010-07-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

Teaching kids to work hard is a good thing. Our kids have to work because there is no way I could run this house alone. I am just too outnumbered.

When Clayton was 13 I did not think I would survive the summers with him. He was not nice and that made me not nice. So I gave up on trying to get him to do work around our house. We wrote up fliers and put them all over the neighborhood advertising his services for lawmowing, yard work, even scrubbing indoors.

He did really well. He worked hard for other people and made good money. He bought things we would never buy him. He also was able to pay for school fees in high school because after 3 years of me doing most of the worrying about his grades, I told him that he would either pay for high school or we would buy him a GED book and have him start studying at home. He gladly paid for high school.

The other kids liked what they were seeing. Cole started working for a man in our neighborhood who had a house fire and is rebuilding. The man is very nice to Cole. He tells me Cole is really helping him and that he is very smart at putting things (such as lighting kits) together. I know that's true. That kid can figure out anything and never worries about why he shouldn't.

Sabrina then started working for another neighbor. A sweet older woman who has her help garden and do stuff around the house. She pays in stuff that Sabrina brings home. Just what we need around here. More junk.

Cole then saw his friends out having lemonade stands. He took his money and walked to Wal-mart. He bought soda for 88 cents and cups and then sat just beyond the drive-up of the nearby bank to sell it for 50 cents a cup. He is quite happy with this current plan of business and has sold soda a few times.

So what's the downside? I used to be able to excite my kids by offering a dollar to clean the bathroom. Now they just look at me and say, "Really? Mom, I can make $5 for doing a bathroom."

Words to Live By

2010-07-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

Your story...it's not boring and ordinary by the way. We just get the one life. You know...just one. You can't live someone else's or think it's more important just because it's more dramatic. What happens matters. Maybe only to us, but it matters.--Gwen (played by Tea Leoni) from the movie Ghost Town (my review...well written and had an uplifting message. Some terrible language which they could of left out.)

I love The Meanest Mom blog. This post was hilarious as usual. There are blogging superstars...who either have a really dramatic story to tell or great writing talent that they use to share their story. Then there are those of us who have neither. But that doesn't mean that our stories don't matter.

Tracey is a blogging superstar. But she isn't a snob at all :)
http://acottageindustry.typepad.com/

7 kids...one mom...alone in the woods and we actually had fun

2010-07-01T22:48:00.000-07:00

I took all the kids camping alone. Chandler and Cole set up all the tents. Sabrina, Preston and Tristan collected firewood. Savannah took care of Gabriel. I took care of food and safety. And keeping the fire going with Cole's help. He could of done it himself...I love boy scouts. It was awesome as a mom to see them all work together. We talked about how the most important thing is for a family to know how to work and play well together. I love that they are really getting it.

Forever

2010-07-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

Today is my wedding anniversary. 17 years. I still like being with him. We are having a very romantic cousin sleepover with 3 extra kids (which is why I'm blogging instead of snuggling.) We did get to go camping alone. Just the two of us. It was very nice. We were able to reserve the best campsite they had (very big and private) so when Trent came back to go to work, I took all the kids back by myself. Crazy and fun.

I have great kids. I have been enjoying my boys. I really like having girls. It has always been easy for me. Boys have been a challenge at times. Messes, destruction, and chaos. I have been able to see past it lately. Boys can be lots of fun. They don't worry too much. They just get right to the enjoying themselves part of life.

My mom got sealed to her husband in the Manti Temple. Mormon belief is that you have to be sealed to make it a forever marriage. Trent and I were sealed in the Salt Lake Temple. They are both gorgeous temples. She said it was the happiest day of her life. It was a peaceful day for our family.

I am lucky that I have a husband that I actually want to spend forever with. He is a very good man.

(Our game is Settlers of Catan. We love Scott and Stephanie for introducing us to the game and just wish we still lived next door to them so we could continue our late night game marathons. If you haven't heard of it, google it. It is the funnest game.)