Thoughts on Motherhood (for this week)

So...I stay pretty busy as a mom of 8.  There are wonderful things that happen everyday (and not so wonderful things).  I am working on staying positive.  As I have had some difficult things to deal with and then faced lots of criticism from family members, I have found myself feeling a little bitter. 

It is hard enough to have parents who were not ready to be parents.  I had a hard childhood.  I had to take care of myself and the other four siblings much of the time.  I was not equipped for the job.  My brother Preston told me about something I did when I was babysitting.  He said he was thirsty.  I spat in a cup and handed it to him.  I, of course, had completely blocked this memory.  I apologized to him a few years ago when he told me.  I do remember teaching him to swim.  I was 12 and he was 4 or 5.  My sister Brandi and I would throw him into the pool.  And wait for him to surface and make it to the side.  We would help him after a certain amount of time watching him struggle.

My mother was with us at the pool.  She was tanning.  A woman said to her, "Well, they are either going to teach him to swim or kill him trying."  She didn't intervene.

It is just really hard to face her opinions of my mothering after the childhood we survived.  I did find out that she and/or her husband were the ones who called the state and reported us for child maltreatment last year.  This came out when she called Clayton's school to discuss our parenting during his recent bipolar manic episode.  They told her she wasn't the legal guardian and they couldn't talk to her.  She then called and talked to the principle and made abuse and neglect claims.

It has all been resolved, and the state will not be getting involved.  They do not agree with her assessment of our parenting.  Clayton's doctor has told us we should have no contact with her.  We explained to the children what had happened and that we would not be allowing Grandma Connie into our lives right now.  They were very upset at the attacks on their mother.  They agreed with our decision.

Her words to me "I can't sit by while an innocent child is hurting and not do anything."  I told her that if she and her husband would take full, legal custody of Clayton for the six months he has left until he is 18, they could have him come live at their home and try to help him in the way they saw fit.  (She told me shoving a pill in his mouth was not the way to deal with him.  She is holistic and doesn't take medicine.)  She said they could not have him live with them.  It is very easy to be the perfect parent...when you don't actually have to take care of children.

I just wish she could realize that I'm her child and I'm hurting.  Guess what it feels like to know that your own mother is trying to have your children taken away?  Again, especially after she has emotionally abandoned her own 5 children (all 5 children have huge issues with her).

I have also felt the judgement of several family members who think we have too many children and are not raising them correctly.

So...I usually have a good attitude.  I try to make the best of life and stay happy.  But it has been really hard not to feel a little resentful.  And sorry for myself.  And yes, bitter.

But...I have the best remedy.  I have 8 children who need me everyday.  I don't have time to feel sorry for myself too long, because somebody always needs something. 

They are great kids.  Yes, Clayton is very aggressive and annoying the heck out of everyone at home.  Yes, when he is causing one problem after another around here, I tell him his stuff will be on the lawn on his 18th birthday.  I have lost my temper and even said unkind things.  Those are my coping mechanisms.  When Clayton's doctor saw him during this last episode, he told me that he was out of his league and that we needed to take Clayton to a psychiatrist.  I am hoping and praying that this extreme aggressiveness can be calmed by finding the right medicine. 

If it can't, we will help him to find an apartment and job and he will move out after he graduates.  We have to consider the needs of the 7 other children.  My mother and her husband feel that is abuse.  We don't.

I still keep going back to the words of my sister Brandi "All that you need to worry about  is what goes on between the walls of your own home.  That is what really matters."  I am not a perfect parent.  I tell my kids I am sorry when I've made a mistake.  They all communicate with me about what is going on in their lives.  I remember having a sick feeling in my stomach when it was time to go home.  My sister said the same thing to me a while ago.  We both had that memory...independent of each other.  I have asked my children if they have ever felt that.  They all told me no. 

I am going to work on listening to their voices...and blocking out the rest.