Gratitude

It is the simplest of advice: focus on the positive.  Simple truths are often the most profound.  I am working on this every single day.  I know I can do it.  I have been processing the sad, hurt feelings and trying to leave them far behind.  Brandi has been my kind (and patient) listening ear.  I love hearing the wisdom that she has earned the hard way.  She said "You need to really focus on every person who shows up for you."

I also am trying to really show up for my children.  How can I teach them to be happy when I can't be?  They will learn how to overcome challenges from me.  They will learn to see the good, beautiful things around them from me.

I feel like I need to add some information about Clayton and Cole to be clear.  I am proud of how hard they are working.  I am proud of how they handle this huge challenge that they have.  Last year was great for them both.  They did well in school.  Their behavior was good.

Clayton had to take a college prep math class in order to graduate.  He is a senior.  He did not understand the concepts, even with lots of tutoring from dad and his teacher.  He felt panicked.  The stress caused sleep disturbances.

After a few weeks of not sleeping, his brain started shutting down.  He couldn't control his body (he was having tremors) or emotions.  He told me he couldn't remember how to take a bath.  My sister could see that I was exhausted and called my mother and asked her to take Clayton for the weekend several weeks ago.  My mother has told me many times not to send medicine with the children because she wouldn't give it to them. 

I did send medicine, but Clayton can't even remember if he took it.  He was not in his right mind.  My mother and her husband spent the weekend talking to Clayton and trying to help him work through his feelings.  He wasn't making sense at all, but they continued to try to reason with him. 

On Sunday night, they refused to bring him home.  My mother was very hostile.  I had to send Trent over to get him.  My mother and her husband wanted to talk about how to help Clayton.  They wanted us to listen to his feelings.  My mother's husband asked Clayton if he felt safe at home.  Clayton said yes.  He was not afraid to come home.

I told my mother that we don't agree with their beliefs.  (I also don't try to reason with a child in a manic phase.  It is not the right time to talk about feelings.  I wait until they are calm and rational.)  I told her that we would be getting Clayton in to a doctor right away.  She said that medicine was not the answer.  She sells essential oils and supplements and felt that those would help him more than medicine.  She also told me he was starved for hugs.

Trent told them that we already knew what Clayton's problems were and that we would help him our way.  They stood in front of the door and were not going to let him leave with Clayton.  Trent finally told them that they couldn't keep him or Clayton.  They let him go.

We had already scheduled a doctor's appointment before the weekend.  The school had contacted us the week before and we had an appointment scheduled to figure out how to help Clayton.  We went in on Monday and pulled him from his math class.  We signed him up at an alternative class (more money and driving for us, but manageable for Clayton).  We talked to Clayton's counselor and vice-principle so that they would know how we were trying to help Clayton.

While we were trying to do everything we could to help our son, my mother was causing trouble for us.  She said she was only trying to help him too.  We told her that we are his parents and we get to decide how to help him unless her and her husband wanted to take full, legal responsibility for him.  They declined. Clayton told me he wanted to stay in school and graduate with his class.  I told him that we could take him out of regular school and help him get his degree another way.  He said, "No, I don't want to leave school."  He wanted to miss as little school as possible.

I prayed and asked for help.  I felt that Clayton needed Lorazepam.  We had tried Ambien and Uni-som and Clayton still couldn't sleep.  The Lorazepam worked like magic and he slept for three days straight.  It is addictive and only to be used short term.  I don't take medicine lightly.  But I have seen first hand how it works when my children's brains are not functioning properly.  Clayton needed it for a few more days and it continued to help calm him down.  He is off of it now.

He is getting A's in school.  He is working as a custodian at the Jr. High.  His boss says he is a good worker.  He has great friends and enjoys people.  One of Clayton's biggest strengths is his confidence.  He is not ashamed.  I am proud of him and all that he is accomplishing.

Here's the really fun part: I think the stress of Clayton's manic episode and also the family meeting about grandma sent Cole into a manic episode.  One of the hardest things about adolescent bipolar is how hard it is to keep the medicine at the correct level.  You can have everything stable and they can go through a growth spurt or stressful situation and it throws everything off balance.

Cole was an aid to the gym teacher.  One of his jobs was to clear out lockers.  He found an iphone and decided to keep it.  The gym teacher called our home that night (I was out food shopping...this is why I try not to leave the house very often) and left a message.  Cole heard the message and panicked.  He threw the phone away after burying the case in the yard.  He called me on my cell phone and told me that the coach wanted to talk to me but he didn't know why.

I talked to him when I came home and he told me that he saw a kid in a black hoodie take a phone.  The next day I received a call from the school and they told me that Cole has confessed to taking the phone.  They were obligated to call the police.  So Trent and I went down to the school together.  We were able to return the phone intact.

We are grateful that the police officer was kind and took Cole's medical history into account.  Cole was crying and it was obvious that he felt bad.  He was suspended for two days.  The officer told us that he had two options.  The first was juvenile court.  There would be a fine (I believe he said up to $1,000) and it would be on his record.  The second was youth court.  It is court that honors high school students hold at the police station.  They determine an amount of community service.  The fee was $30 (we made Cole pay for it).  Cole needs to do 10 hours of service.  He is working at the Jr. High with Clayton.  Cole also was removed from his aid position.

The theft was the beginning of strange behavior and extreme emotional outbursts.  Cole was not in his right mind.  It took a lot of effort from the entire family because of Cole's extreme energy, but we were able to watch him and keep him safe.  (It was really sweet to see the other children be kind and gentle with both of their brothers when they needed help.)  The Lorazepam worked exactly the same as it did for Clayton and brought him back down to where he should be.  He is off of it now and doing great also.

Why do I take the time to write this all down?  My sweet friend said to me "The medicine saves lives."  Her brother killed himself.  She told me that my situation is similar to what she saw with her brothers.  Except at Cole's age, her brother was stealing cars and on drugs.

So...Mr. Tom Cruise, I know that people like my mother and you really believe you have this figured out.  But respectfully, you are wrong.  It would be cruel to deny a child with diabetes their medicine.  It  is just as cruel to say that no child should take medicine for mental health or ADHD.  I am so grateful that we have medicine that helps my children to function normally.  I am grateful for their strength and goodness, that shines through when they are medicated properly.