My girls...Savannah and Sabrina

This stage of life is so busy and hectic for us. My sister Brandi has just rediscovered tea and came over today and we enjoyed some. We were agreeing that drinking tea forces you to sit and relax. Gotta love simple pleasures.

My sister (who is also my best friend) is very similar in personality to my daughter Savannah. They are both organized and focused. They need a clean environment and order to function. They are both loyal to those that they love. They both also have wicked tempers when something sets them off, but thankfully it doesn't happen too much!

My mom observed that Savannah would make a great personal assistant. She carries a purse whenever we go out. Aunt Brandi has given a few to her and she takes very good care of them. I have to give her pens, carmex, tissue, hand sanitizer and scissors to put in her purse. Not for her, for me! I stock my purse and then pull something out and forget to put it back. She never does.

Sabrina is much more like her mother. We are right brained and very creative. Sabrina loves crafts, drawing, and art. She checked out a book on origami and taught herself! She always makes a mess, but has a very fun time and usually has some handy-work to show for it. She loves little children and gives them her full attention and keeps them happy.

One of my favorite things about Savannah is that she has been a second mother to Gabriel from the time we brought him home. Her and I both really wanted to have a girl for our last baby. But Gabriel is a total angel and it's impossible not to fall in love with him. Savannah wanted to care for him immediately. She has fed him, changed diapers, and even gets up at 5:00 am on her own. I will go in and she will tell me that she has it covered and that I can go back to bed! I have to admit, I don't argue with her ;)

I have decided that if I only get to have two daughters (I am a girly girl all the way and could only imagine myself with a house full of girls, lol) that these two are pretty wonderful. They are sweet, kind, and beautiful--inside and out. And growing up way too fast!

Great News

In the interest of being totally fair, I LOVE to tell people when my kids do well. I know that a lot of people just think it is wrong, wrong, wrong to say anything too truthful when dealing with difficult children. I don't. The reason why is because I see this as spiritual warfare. We never give up. Ever. But how can you fight when you don't admit there's a problem.

I know that some people are thinking right about now...keep it private to protect your child. Well, my question to that is...protect them from what? The consequences? REALITY...my children have to interact with others. Those people know the truth pertaining to my difficult children and they struggle with coping. Also, what about people who need encouragement? How can we help each other if none of us have any problems?

The part that is key for me is do my children know with complete assurance that I am on their side...fighting for their success and happiness? They all tell me they do. We talk all the time about all of the strengths and weaknesses of every family member. We talk about how we can help each other do better. I guess my approach is that it isn't shameful to have a problem or a weakness. It is only bad if we refuse to look at it. Sometimes we need time and patience. But when we are taking a break from dealing with the problem, the consequences should always still be there. If they are taken away from us, how will we ever get the motivation to change? I tell my children, I can want to lose weight with all of my heart. But if I don't do the work, it doesn't matter. I can stay fat and be a good person and have a fulfilling life. But I have to deal with all of the uncomfortable things and have to give up a lot of fun things if I don't lose weight. How bad do I want it?

So...to have something positive to say about them is a big treat. Clayton has been taking things seriously. I did all of the worrying for him for 3 years of jr. high. I watched his grades and stayed up late helping him do last minute projects. I took away all of his clothes and only gave him an ugly outfit to wear. He ate oatmeal for dinner. With no sugar.

He always got his grades up by the end of the semester because he wanted his privileges back. But when he went to high school, I told him that this was going to be his choice. I would not babysit him. If he failed, then he would suffer the consequences to his future. And he got three F's. I felt panicked. And I am tough. (because certain of my children have been tough) I have told them that if they are too lazy to work, they can die of homelessness. Think I'm a monster? They can always come live with you when they are 18. You can let them play video games all day and deal with the bad attitudes and much worse. I've seen family members do it. And yet those family members are starting to get tired...none of those people have offered to take my kids even though they know that I will have them move out at 18 if they don't want to contribute to our family.

It's okay if you don't agree with me. I respect that we all have our own way of doing things and I try really hard not to judge others. I know people discuss our sometimes controversial approach to parenthood. I just leave them to God. He has beautiful ways of humbling us all and I trust that something will eventually come along to keep them busy with their own problems.

Clayton has been doing so well. He has been calm and working hard. He has done his homework faithfully and helped with big cleaning projects. He even had a choice...go to Grandma's and get to have quiet time and freedom from the non-stop jobs around our house or stay and work. He wanted to stay and be part of the family. I try to let this always be his choice. He looked at me when he was ten and told me "YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME!" Ever since then I have always let him know that he was right. I only give and enforce consequences...good or bad according to his choices.

So I am just very happy that he is choosing well. I had to let him get 3 F's. I felt like I had a made a bigger mess for myself. But in reality, I just let him make his full choice. And it seems to have made an impact. He has been talking kindly. One of my most important goals for our family. KINDNESS and RESPECT. And he is doing it!!!

When your parents are not into sports

One of the reasons I married Trent was because he doesn't like sports. There were a lot of wonderful qualities, and this was one of the best. We come from big sports families. My paternal Grandfather coached sports for many years of his life. Trent's dad was a high school coach for years. He coached my dad in high school. Here's the funniest part...he kicked my dad off the team for drinking.

Trent and I both got the defective sports gene. No interest what.so.ever. We are artists. We both love to create beautiful things. Trent has broad shoulders and muscled arms and he looks like a football player. Everyone would act slightly incredulous when they found out that he wasn't into sports at all with a coach for a dad and a body that was made for it. He just patiently explained that it wasn't his thing.

He came home from church once and said, "I need to see what this Sport's Center is that all the men talk about in church. It is a big topic of discussion." He then watched it. He told me that sports were hard enough to watch, but a whole show devoted to just talking about it? No actual sports?

I grew up watching my dad scream and cheer at the T.V. screen. I remember being very young and trying to bond with dad. We would pick a color and say, "I want the blue team to win." But even when we were at that age when you want to follow your parents around all day, we could not figure out why dad would get so excited and emotional. It just seemed silly to us.

My grandfather passed away a few years ago, and there were touching stories of the many young men that he coached. I know he truly cared about them. My dad still plays and is in great shape because of his love of sports. Trent's dad loves to go to St. George and play in the Senior Olympics. He is still going strong in his retirement.

So we don't do sports with our kids. What we do is let them come into our offices (we are totally spoiled, we each have our own that double as craft room/studio) and make fun things with us. They love it and whether it is nature or nurture, they are pretty good at coming up with things and experimenting.

Preston is a brand new cub scout. He had to watch all his brothers go and patiently wait his turn. It is finally here. He got the very coveted role of Alien for a pack night skit and he needed to make a mask. Now that is right up Trent's alley. So they went into his office and had a great time creating one. The other children were inspired. They are all self sufficient (one blessing of having a mom with health challenges) and they know how to find what they need. So on their own, Sabrina and Cole found the materials to fashion their own masks.

I also included pictures of some of the cars and boats they have made for scouts. Sometimes they have wanted to do most of the work on their own and then others they wanted to have a "really awesome" car that dad helped design.

Confession!

Since I have been dealing with all of my weaknesses in a very public fashion, I thought...why not to admit to one of my really scary personality traits. And... deep breath...I am very tempted by Reborn Baby dolls. (They are high quality dolls that artists then make look just like a real baby. They hand apply hair and paint veins and skin variations.)

I know, I know, only CRAZY people like them. Poor women who spend their all of their money, time, energy buying them clothes and dressing them up and taking them on walks in strollers. I saw a show where one woman takes hers on walks and people stop to complement the beautiful baby and then...oh...it's a doll! And they realize they are talking to someone with mental illness.

But when the dolls are made by someone with talent, they can be so amazing. I do think some of them are precious and would love to own one someday. Maybe even two. But I'm pretty sure I wouldn't need to feed it, bath it, or take it out on walks. I'm thinking about how fun it would be to have a "Princess" room for all of the granddaughters. I bought a fancy steel crib (Victorian detailing) for Gabriel with that in mind. Having the crib full of dolls and bears and things little girls love to play with.

It is very hard to have a gorgeous nursery or kids room that stays pretty all the time. So I am just waiting until the kids are gone and I can do a foofy room with everything soft and pretty (think wall crown with fabric behind the crib) and it won't get messed up by real life. At least until the granddaughters come to play, lol! But then they will go home and I will clean it up and have the room I couldn't have in real life raising kids.

It is all Trent's fault. When I found out that Gabriel was going to be a boy, I told him I was very sad not to get to buy anymore baby girl stuff. The clothes and accessories just keep getting better and better. I suggested adoption. He looked me in the eye and said..."Get a dolly."

Work is Good

I had a busy day and it was good. I cooked all day. That is how I would rather do it. I don't like cooking everyday. I prefer to make bigger batches of food and have a few options in the fridge. As long as there is enough variety in the week, the kids will eat things more than once happily.

When I have been consumed with health or other challenges, and they have had to eat too much of the same thing, that is when complaints start. So I tried a dish my mom was making at her house the other day. We did not enjoy most of my mom's cooking when we were young. She was on a tight budget and she was a health nut. She believed that cooking vegetables ruined them. She did it sometimes, but it was her preference to have big chunky vegetables. She made bean soup with everything chunky and firm. She didn't like recipes. She made wheat pancakes and would throw a little of this and a little of that. Things like raisins, sunflower seeds, orange juice and applesauce. We were not appreciative.

I always tell my kids...I hated a lot of the food my mom made, but it kept me healthy and some things I never have had to eat again, some things I have learned to like.

So I have really wanted my kids to see that healthy food can taste good. I puree lots of vegetables and beans and then mix them into soups and casseroles. I try a lot of different seasonings. They are learning that vegetables are good and that they just have to be prepared correctly. They are now at the point where they love steamed broccoli in a bowl, or peas, or green beans. When I feel good, I love to try and cook food that they want to eat. We don't eat a lot of meat. My mom didn't cook meat hardly ever and it just seems normal to me. We buy two or three bags of frozen chicken breasts from Costco every month. We have just started buying one bag of meatballs as a treat.

We get Wendy's dollar menu/Del Taco tacos and burritos/ and Costco pizza as treats and the kids love it, but know that isn't how we are supposed to eat all the time. Trent and I have always liked healthy food, but we have just gotten in bad habits of adding junk or fast food as a way to unwind or to reward ourselves for surviving another day!

So I am trying to change a lot of the bad habits we have gotten into. Overeating for Trent and I, not planning and using our time well, making sure we are consistent about family scripture and prayers, and everyone working on yelling and treating each other with respect and kindness.

I am a Morman woman. Some would say not a very good one. The standards are so very high. But I really try to not worry about those that don't understand. I know that I just need to do my best and continuously work on improving. That is how simple it is for me. I know that Heavenly Father (sometimes I call him God, I think that is a no no for some Mormons ;) is loving and kind and appreciates every effort I make to serve him and my family.

So emotionally this was a much better day than yesterday. I have been on my knees and it is how I am doing this. I know that work is good for our souls. It brings peace as long as it is balanced with fun and creativity. Cooking from scratch takes a lot of work. But it just feels right to me. I know that we are eating good food. It costs a lot less.

There are still times when I need a break. As my sister Brandi says, "Some women slave all day for their kids. I don't need to do that to feel like a good mom." I will never be the kind of woman who wakes up and works non-stop with a smile. I want time in the day to look on the computer, to hold my baby and just laugh and smile with him, and maybe even read or watch t.v. As long as the important things are covered, I don't feel guilty doing any of that.

I am sorry this post is getting long.(I think it is because of the diet...I've been thinking about everything a little too much;) So to sum my day up...Baked 8 loaves of bread, made sauteed vegetables and rice for dinner plus chicken rice casserole for the fridge, made pudding, did two loads of dishes, two loads of laundry, finally got to bathe, and made all of my kids excited to sit down to dinner!

My Grandpa Shurtz is the most talented gardener. He truly has a green thumb. He has done it his whole life and always grown enough for all around him. At the Shurtz party he had a huge pile of carrots, potatoes, and onions and told everyone to take what they could use. He is in his seventies and has had some health challenges of his own, and yet he is still growing a massive garden and feeding the world :) Every year he says that he will cut back, I haven't seen it yet. I need to live to deserve the blessing of being in their family.

Okay, I know I need to wrap this up, but I need to say that my mother has become a much better cook. She has learned how to cook the vegetables, season them, and chop them up smaller! I stopped by her house and she was making dinner. She still doesn't use recipes a lot, but she makes up her own. She sauteed onions, carrots, and cilantro in olive oil. She added a can of black beans, brown rice, and parmigiana cheese. She seasoned it with southwest seasoning, pepper and some Real salt. It was really good, simple, cheap and healthy. So that is what I made today (didn't have black beans cooked or cilantro-but added a potato) and the kids loved it.

All things work together for our good

Wow. Life right now is intense for me. I am sticking to the calorie count and making sure I eat lots of produce. I am starting to feel all of the physical benefits. I don't feel bloated. I am not putting more food in my body than it can digest. My carpel tunnel symptoms have been greatly reduced (I want to avoid surgery).

What is extremely hard is dealing with my emotions. I remember hearing a man talk about breaking a drug addiction. He said everything was so very raw all the time. I think that is the best way to describe it. I feel everything so much and there is no escape to food that numbs the strong emotions.

It is hard. I think this is what rehab must be like. But I know that I have to push through. I just know that I didn't come down here to sit on the couch and get through each day just to get to the next.

I have been very emotionally committed to my children. They are secure in knowing that they are loved and wanted. I also have had times of illness and difficult pregnancies when I couldn't do more than just get through the day. But now that I am done being pregnant and my disease is in remission, I want more. I want to be active and involved. Some of the things I would love to do: get back into cooking and have meals ready that the children look forward to, be able to clean around the house without wanting to give up, and schedule time with each of the children that is all about them. We have been working on all of these things all along, but I want to step it up. Getting physically fit is a very important part of having enough energy to do it all.

What is great is that these things have immediate results. Losing 155 pounds will take up to two years of total devotion and commitment. But having an exciting dinner on the table brings smiles and appreciation from all as soon as they sit down. I love seeing my children really happy to be at home. Not because they are overindulged and have things given to them, but because they feel the love that is being put into parenting them. What is better than having parents who really care? Having parents who show they care with their time and energy.

Destruction with a purpose

I found the perfect toy for Cole for Christmas. Cole has so much more energy than the rest of us. He breaks so many things just because he needs something to do. He is also fearless and doesn't worry about if he will get in trouble too much. Every time Trent goes into the garage I hear him say loudly in frustration, "grrr. Cole" as he finds one thing after another that Cole has gotten into. We had to buy a locking tool chest. Then there was the pile of used matches behind something. The list goes on and on.

I found a toy that is all about digging in, making a mess, and tearing it apart! Cole loved it. He sat in total concentration until it was finished. I love it when I can find an activity that is tailored to each child's strengths.